Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am writing sooner after this chemo treatment than I did after the last one because I feel much better. I may have felt worse last time because I was trying to do too much too soon after my treatment. When I feel any nausea this time I just lie down and let it pass, or if it is at night I take a pill. I have had more trouble this time figuring out what I can stand to eat. The first four treatments were kind of like having cravings when pregnant. This time none of the food items that pleased me before were appealing to eat and I would just have to throw them out. My "go to" food this time was cold cereal with skim milk.  I would be lying in bed so hungry I couldn't sleep but every food I thought about made me sicker until I tried cold cereal. Maybe because there was no smell - I don't know - but it worked. So last night I took a pain pill so I could sleep through the Neulasta pain and had an awesome night's sleep of ten uninterrupted hours. Oh, Heavens! It was lovely.

Today I am going no where so I cleaned the bathroom and even that made me happy. Clean rooms are always a morale booster! I still have to pack away all the blankets from when my daughter's family was staying here but I want to sort the chest they are stored in so that will be later today or tomorrow. It will be a hot week so I will be doing very little outside since the heat and sun drain me of what little energy I have. After Friday my blood count should be on the rebound and I can tackle troublesome items next week.

On a bit of a side note: I don't think how I mentioned how I have become a shopper which is crazy for me. I have never been much of a shopper since I have such a limited income but since being diagnosed with cancer I figure why put off until tomorrow since there many not be many left. I have bought bedding, night clothes, under clothes, jeans, shirts, lamp, shoes, and fabric. I now have to make a conscious effort to stop since the chemo bills are rolling in and I need to make payments on those. The whole thing is crazy but I will see what happens when down with my treatments next June. Maybe I will go on another shopping spree then. How fun!

Another tidbit: The week before my last chemo treatment I went out to eat for my birthday with a friend before my tastebuds took another nose dive. I have given up wearing hats and scarves most of the time because it is so hot. I am bald - tough! It is what it is. Anyway, after we sat down a couple of ladies came over to us and said how pretty I looked. I was so startled that I almost didn't know what to say - but I did say "Thank you." Now, I know I don't look pretty - I didn't even have on makeup and I WAS bald but I thought that was kind of them. It is the fourth time someone has gone out of their way to compliment me since getting bald. I think they think it will make me feel better - and I think they are right in a way. I don't feel really bad about having cancer but it is nice that others are kind about it. Think of all the diseases I could have that people would not be kind about. I am always surprised when people are nice to me - I just assume others don't like me and so will ignore me but so many have been kind during this crazy time. People really are good and it has taught me to be a better person. too.

Third Down, Two to Go

Third down, two to go sounds like football talk to me but even better is that I only have two more sessions of chemo to go. I guess I should have written sooner but this lasts session was a little tougher than the first two. I had more gagging with nausea so I took anti-nausea pills for several days for the first time since I started chemo. That led to more napping. I hope the next session goes back to skipping the nausea. It is so funny that after they fill you with all the drugs anything that goes wrong I am told to fix it with more meds but in pill form. Nauseous = pill, pain = pill, constipated = pill, diarrhea = pill, not sleeping = pill. That is the list of what I have ingested so far. I hate taking meds and in my life I can count on one hand how many times I have been sick since eighteen. Now this cancer doozy for almost eighteen months from start to finish.

I am starting to get chemo bills and I am blown away by how much this costs. I am just talking about chemo and I have radiation to follow and a full year of herceptin.  Herceptin is so expensive and it is every three weeks for a year. If this stupid stuff comes back after this year of fighting I just might have surgery and stop at that. If you can't pay your bills what is the point of living to be realllllly old to torment your children. It really makes me madder than being sick. We all die at some point and although I really want to see all my grandchildren grow into adults I know my kids will do fine without me to help raise them. It is just a selfish wish to enjoy those sweet babies as long as I can.

Went to two movies in the last week and there was mention of cancer in both of them. In one a man is getting a divorce and his co-workers, when they find out about the divorce say, "At least it isn't cancer." I had to laugh because I thought the stress from getting a divorce and trying to support four kids was more stressful than cancer treatments. However, now that I am getting bills and am retired with a small retirement income I hope they take payments because the charges are more than I get each month. If they take payments I will get through this okay even if it takes a couple years.  But I do NOT want to do this again!