Chemo - Finito

So, last week was the last of the chemo infusions and the last of the neulasta shots. I thought prior to the day of infusion and the days of last week how happy I was. This weekend was a different matter. I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I may be done with the chemo but I still have 33 days of daily radiation, infusions of herceptin every three weeks until the end of next April and five years of hormone pills. If there is anything else they can do to you to prevent breast cancer I don't know about it and I have way more ahead than behind. I am trying to assure myself that at least my hair will grow back now and that starting this weekend my energy should start to come back. If it does, maybe I will start to feel better but right now I feel totally overwhelmed with the whole process and the incredible financial loss. Since the first day of meeting with my doctor I have heard nothing about finances.  Maybe if they would tell me more I would feel more hopeful but all I see in my future are bills. How do people with a recurrence do it? I also think that even with all this torment I will have a recurrence. Maybe that has to do with the fact that two neighbors have died from the recurrence of breast cancer, in fact, one last week. Enough wallowing in self pity.

I have had a good week with few after effects. Lots of sleep but no body pain and little nausea.  Hooray! I even slept thirteen hours one night - crazy. It has been sort of amusing to see how each session has been slightly different from the previous ones. I have had cravings each time. I guess that is because the terrible taste in my mouth allows me to only appreciate certain foods. I have craved skim milk for a couple weeks, chocolate milk a couple other weeks, real coke and Fresca a few other weeks. This week it was orange/lemonade.  A drink of the two mixed together. Today the crappy taste is starting to leave my mouth but after this week I vow to give up soda totally. If water will start to taste good again I can go to straight water - I used to love water until chemo came into my life.

I also go to see the surgeon for a follow up visit this week and next week I see the radiation doctor for mapping and the schedule of when the radiation will begin. Because radiation is daily I can't go anywhere and that is messing with my brain. I doubt I would want to go anywhere anyway since I have to care for my dad but knowing I can't makes me want to. Oh, the contrary brain that I have. I hope to start back with at least some classes at the gym to help my over those six weeks.

I have to start to do something to stop the thoughts of cancer and start the thoughts of happy. I have about six weeks to get my yard ready for winter so maybe that will make me happier. I hope to start that next week. I did only one little area of flowers this spring (in front of my bedroom window) and the rest is either weeds or mulch. I hope to get pansies and daffodils planted in the front yard and all the weeds pulled and maybe even some edging finished. I also have 2 quilts to finish before mid December. This Friday night I start making Christmas gifts at a craft class. I don't have the money this year to buy what I want for people so I am trying to be creative. Maybe creativity will be fun??!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am writing sooner after this chemo treatment than I did after the last one because I feel much better. I may have felt worse last time because I was trying to do too much too soon after my treatment. When I feel any nausea this time I just lie down and let it pass, or if it is at night I take a pill. I have had more trouble this time figuring out what I can stand to eat. The first four treatments were kind of like having cravings when pregnant. This time none of the food items that pleased me before were appealing to eat and I would just have to throw them out. My "go to" food this time was cold cereal with skim milk.  I would be lying in bed so hungry I couldn't sleep but every food I thought about made me sicker until I tried cold cereal. Maybe because there was no smell - I don't know - but it worked. So last night I took a pain pill so I could sleep through the Neulasta pain and had an awesome night's sleep of ten uninterrupted hours. Oh, Heavens! It was lovely.

Today I am going no where so I cleaned the bathroom and even that made me happy. Clean rooms are always a morale booster! I still have to pack away all the blankets from when my daughter's family was staying here but I want to sort the chest they are stored in so that will be later today or tomorrow. It will be a hot week so I will be doing very little outside since the heat and sun drain me of what little energy I have. After Friday my blood count should be on the rebound and I can tackle troublesome items next week.

On a bit of a side note: I don't think how I mentioned how I have become a shopper which is crazy for me. I have never been much of a shopper since I have such a limited income but since being diagnosed with cancer I figure why put off until tomorrow since there many not be many left. I have bought bedding, night clothes, under clothes, jeans, shirts, lamp, shoes, and fabric. I now have to make a conscious effort to stop since the chemo bills are rolling in and I need to make payments on those. The whole thing is crazy but I will see what happens when down with my treatments next June. Maybe I will go on another shopping spree then. How fun!

Another tidbit: The week before my last chemo treatment I went out to eat for my birthday with a friend before my tastebuds took another nose dive. I have given up wearing hats and scarves most of the time because it is so hot. I am bald - tough! It is what it is. Anyway, after we sat down a couple of ladies came over to us and said how pretty I looked. I was so startled that I almost didn't know what to say - but I did say "Thank you." Now, I know I don't look pretty - I didn't even have on makeup and I WAS bald but I thought that was kind of them. It is the fourth time someone has gone out of their way to compliment me since getting bald. I think they think it will make me feel better - and I think they are right in a way. I don't feel really bad about having cancer but it is nice that others are kind about it. Think of all the diseases I could have that people would not be kind about. I am always surprised when people are nice to me - I just assume others don't like me and so will ignore me but so many have been kind during this crazy time. People really are good and it has taught me to be a better person. too.

Third Down, Two to Go

Third down, two to go sounds like football talk to me but even better is that I only have two more sessions of chemo to go. I guess I should have written sooner but this lasts session was a little tougher than the first two. I had more gagging with nausea so I took anti-nausea pills for several days for the first time since I started chemo. That led to more napping. I hope the next session goes back to skipping the nausea. It is so funny that after they fill you with all the drugs anything that goes wrong I am told to fix it with more meds but in pill form. Nauseous = pill, pain = pill, constipated = pill, diarrhea = pill, not sleeping = pill. That is the list of what I have ingested so far. I hate taking meds and in my life I can count on one hand how many times I have been sick since eighteen. Now this cancer doozy for almost eighteen months from start to finish.

I am starting to get chemo bills and I am blown away by how much this costs. I am just talking about chemo and I have radiation to follow and a full year of herceptin.  Herceptin is so expensive and it is every three weeks for a year. If this stupid stuff comes back after this year of fighting I just might have surgery and stop at that. If you can't pay your bills what is the point of living to be realllllly old to torment your children. It really makes me madder than being sick. We all die at some point and although I really want to see all my grandchildren grow into adults I know my kids will do fine without me to help raise them. It is just a selfish wish to enjoy those sweet babies as long as I can.

Went to two movies in the last week and there was mention of cancer in both of them. In one a man is getting a divorce and his co-workers, when they find out about the divorce say, "At least it isn't cancer." I had to laugh because I thought the stress from getting a divorce and trying to support four kids was more stressful than cancer treatments. However, now that I am getting bills and am retired with a small retirement income I hope they take payments because the charges are more than I get each month. If they take payments I will get through this okay even if it takes a couple years.  But I do NOT want to do this again!

Halfway Point

I am halfway through with the chemo treatments. I have been so lucky to have very little nausea. After the first Neulasta shot, I learned to take pain pills for 2-3 days and just sleep the pain away. After that first week my main symptom has been lack of energy. I am not sure most of the time if it is the drugs or just my accepting of being lazy. The doctor says the drugs but I am not so sure during the third week. However, I know that I get tired and sleep more now than before drugs. It will be interesting to see how my energy comes back when I am through with the drugs.

This past week has been the third week (the week before another infusion) and I actually did more yard work that just cutting and trimming the grass. Twice I was out in the garden area pulling weeds and doing toppings. The following day after doing the yard work, I would be so tired I would take at least one nap and go to bed for 9-10 hours. So I have to pace my expectations as well as my work schedule. One the days when I am working in the house and not sleeping. I have started a quilt. I think I may actually get it done about the time I am done with the chemo. I hope to have a garage sale before summer ends to rid my house of all the excess "stuff" I have accumulated. I need the help of two of my children to help with that event so it may not come off and then again it might.

The most interesting event since the last chemo was I had a day of depression where I was a bit overwhelmed that I have 6 1/2 weeks of radiation when I finish this chemo crap, and then until late next May for Herceptin infusions. Twelve months of infusions every three weeks is just so overwhelming when I think about it for a person who never has been sick. But I put it behind me and decided not to think of the whole thing but just one event at a time. Besides the Herceptin isn't supposed to make me sick or tired. Can you imagine being this tired for 12 months! Better than dead, I always say. (That is supposed to be funny!)

Chemo, Second Go-Around

My goal was to blog the day of chemo but I got too busy this second session and then too miserable. Anyway, the first week after my first chemo session I had a hard time sleeping well for some reason, but especially with the body aches from the Neulasta shot. But in total it was not too bad except by week two sleeping was a hard thing to achieve. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a night most nights. My hair started to fall out on day 15. I went to have it shaved off when I got a hand full of hair while I was trying to wash it. THAT was surprisingly traumatic! Two swipes of the clippers and I was sobbing! I thought it was because I was vain but the next day I figured out it was because now the sign that I had cancer was soooo obvious! I have lost my privacy! THAT is what was troubling me. I am over it now. It is what it is and there is nothing to do but get through it!

I was actually looking forward to the second chemo session because the doctor gave me some sleep aids and I was determined to get enough sleep this time through. I am getting such great sleep this time that last night I slept 12 hours. But the worst thing about this cancer thing so far isn't the chemo and losing my hair but that Neulast shot. First of all, the cost: it is outrageous! But, worst of all is the pain throughout your body starting a few hours after getting the shot. This time I used pain pills to get me through. So that helped the pain and the sleep. It was a double bonus.

Also, your body is no longer normal. The first week after the chemo sessions I have gotten constipation and then diarrhea for the next two weeks. I never have those problems but the chemicals do strange things to my whole body. This has happened for both of these chemo sessions. Again, add more drugs to the mix to fix those problems. Five days after chemo was Father's Day and I planned a nice dinner and homemade cake. It was a hard day. I was exhausted just trying to bake the cake and cook the main dish so we improvised and had frosted cake the next day. I won't plan big dinners any more for 2 weeks after chemo. Next chemo is day before my son's birthday so we will celebrate it on July 4th instead. I just do what I can do and refuse to be upset or make myself more miserable.

I have bought a cute hat and scarf to wear to church or any dress up event. I bought several head covers and a couple scarves for other days. I was given a couple by some friends, too. If it is hot around the house I am just baldish. I am not completely bald yet but pretty thin and patchy.

I am having my blood build up week next week (the third week) so I am going to visit my oldest son and my grandson for a week before I have to go through this again. I didn't think I would be able to travel while going through this so I am excited to do this trip. It has now been 10 days since my last treatment and I hope to be feeling better each day from today until my next treatment.

Maybe next post I will have a picture of me with and without hair.