Getting Older

1. We are all growing older with each passing day. When young I knew many who were upset as they neared or achieved the "dreaded" decade birthdays starting with number thirty. Those birthdays never bothered me but I thought number fifty might. Nope! It didn't bother me either. Then I reached sixty and it took me three years to adjust. I have been trying to figure out why for the past seven years. I finally think I have found it. With sixty I decided I WAS old. My hair was white, my body was over weight and flabby, my energy was markedly down and my enthusiasm for life seemed limited. However, the last few months I have noticed that I am no longer upset with being old. I am accepting that I will never again be as I was and I appreciate that I am as healthy and active as I am. Many of my friends and former relatives are younger than I and are doing much poorer in the aging process. They have had parts repaired and replaced, are suffering the same physical declines, and are looking and feeling much worse than I. For all this I thank my genes and the few efforts I have been putting into creating a healthier environment for myself.

2. Another thing I noticed is that I try to live in the here and now. I had lunch with a friend from high school yesterday and as we talked all she seemed to want to talk about were her children and grandchildren. Now I have no trouble with that but other than health problems she had done nothing but work for the last thirty plus years and had no plans or goals for the future she could focus on. Her children were doing things and she was not, so the past and their lives were all we had to chat about. My dad goes to breakfast each morning and watches tv the rest of the day so all he has to talk about is the past. I understand that as he is 88 and has mobility issues, but not at 67. I seldom want to talk about the past and writing a personal history is totally out of the cards. Give me the present and plans and goals for the future to talk about. When I am in my 90s maybe I will have no future to look forward to but not at this stage in life.

3. Old age seems to be a leveling out time. We all get unattractive, physically limited in one way or another, and slow down mentally. We no longer compete with others in accomplishments. We do what we do and are happy for that. I feel like I can't go into debt because I won't be able to get a job to pay the debt so I am happy for what I already have rather than wanting more. I have never been one to "compete with the Joneses" but tried to have my kids be somewhat comparable to others in their social group. Now I don't even have to do that. I am responsible for only me. That feels kind of good. I am happier in general now than I have been for at least the last ten years. I don't look back much further than that.

Personal Strengths

I was watching a show on TV today and they have the theme this month of focusing on our strengths. It made me stop and think and I have been thinking all day. What strengths do I have? Do I have any? If asked to list our faults or weaknesses many of us could rattle any number of them off without a moment's thought - I know I surely can. But strengths? So I got out a paper and pen and thought and jotted. I think I need to make a poster to remind me of them, because I find I spend a lot of time thinking about my weaknesses rather than strengths and that makes me a negative person. I do not want to be a negative person. I have lived with negativity for the first nineteen years of my life. Now for the positive!

Strengths:

(in no particular order)

1. I am independent.

2. I have integrity

3. I have a love of learning

4. I am strong willed

5. I am determined

6. I am organized

7. I deal and cope well with life situations

I am still considering if I want to add specifics to this list of strengths. I think I will let it rest at this time while it percolates in my mind at least a few more days.

Not Again!

This morning my wonderful daughter-in-law, Jill, passed away from colon cancer. She leaves behind my son, Ryan, and their sweet 7 year old, Nathan. We are all devastated. She had fought a long, hard battle for four years with this disease. Ryan was told a few days ago she had only two or three weeks left but her poor body just couldn't take it anymore. Jill fought this cancer with everything she had and still kept her sense of humor about it. After sitting with her in January and watching what she went through with the chemo treatments, I was in awe of her strength. It does make me sad that she left us thinking that "this" earth life was all there was. I believe her father, her nana, and hopefully my mother were on the other side to welcome her with open arms. In January, I asked her to do me a favor after she died and visit Ryan in some form or another to assure him that she was on the other side of the veil waiting for him. If she discovers that if she was right it was obvious that she couldn't let me know. She was afraid if she visited Ryan and the house was a mess she would have to haunt him. We had a good laugh over that conversation.

She made my son and grandson so happy. Ryan and Jill just celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary in the hospital a few days ago. While sick these last few years she organized many things for Nathan to help with his memories as he gets older. She spent the last few weeks organizing her best friend's wedding. Her friend Jo and fiancee Carl, flew in from England to be with Jill and were married a week ago before Jill's last entrance on Monday into the hospital. She was a dear friend to so many and will be so missed by us all.

April 12, 2010 7:00 P.M.

Mom hugged her pillow and curled around it and peacefully died tonight.

Nearing Death

I went to the funeral of a neighbor today and when I got home I had a message from the care center where my mother is residing. They said she is not doing well and that she needed to go to the hospital or on hospice. Dad and I went over there and visited and agreed on hospice. Yesterday when dad was there she was doing great. Last night they had called me that she was throwing up. I advised them they could check on her and if it got worse call me and I would take her to the hospital. I thought she might have a little bug or touch of food poisoning. But no one else at the care center was sick. No call. Until today at 11:30. Which I got at 1:30. She won't wake up and her lungs are filling with fluid and her breathing is ragged. While I was at the care center I met with the nurse and the social worker and signed a bunch more papers for hospice. They are quite sure this is the end of her life. Perhaps as long as two weeks but they doubt it. I know that she would welcome death if she was in her right mind. She always said she would prefer death to living with Alzheimer's but still it is emotional to say good-bye. It is funny how we have been prepared for her to die for the last year at least and now that the time has come so have the tears. I don't want her to stay. Her quality of life is negative but it is still emotional. I will spend some time each day now at the care center with her. Feelings about my parents are mixed and confusing but none the less, they are my parents and I do love them in my own twisted way. But I certainly don't want them to suffer and I know she is getting kind and proper care where she is. Tomorrow I also have a meeting to get my dad on a veteran's aid program. Perhaps he can get some more money each month and help me pay off the second mortgage I had to take out to make room for them to stay here. Tomorrow is a busy day.

ONE GOOD THING: I don't have to go to work and I have time to do all that needs doing.

A New and Better Me?

Last year I caught a few episodes on a cable channel of a show called "Ruby". She weighed about 700 pounds when she started the show a few years ago I guess, and nows weighs about 340 pounds. I saw it the other week and her counselor told her to change five things in her life to help her to get below her current goal of 300 pounds. I thought about that after the show, and decided that I should do that to see if I can get myself below 200 pounds, which has been my goal for years now. (Since I gained weight after my hysterectomy.) Anyway, my goals: 1. No more soda 2. Cut way down on treats 3. cut down on fast food 4. increase my exercise. It took a couple more weeks before I could think what my fifth one would be. Tah Da! 5. Keep my hands busy when tempted to snack. I figured if I put my five changes on here I might feel accountable. But then again, maybe not, we'll see. LOL To keep my hands busy I will try to get on the computer more often, quilt more, clean more, crochet more, and of course now that the weather is nicer, more yard work. Hopefully that will solve my weight goal by my birthday and then I will spend that day shopping and buying new clothes. ALL DAY! I am going to put post-its all around to keep reminding me also. I have to catch another episode of "Ruby" to see if she reached her goal also. But, I have not had a soda since the last day of March and I have cut down on treats and fast food. That even helped my budget! The exercise has been harder since I was going to increase my walking but the weather was crappy. So I bought a jump rope and I am going to try that. Just bringing back my youth!

Crafty Me

I am back to quilting now that the cute visitors have gone home. I wouldn't normally do this today but I want to try to post pictures that Courtney showed me how to do three days ago. I am afraid if I wait any longer the knowledge will have evaporated, if it hasn't already. I finished this month's squares yesterday so I will post the pictures of those plus the first 2 groups that I did. In January we did four identical squares but the next two months there was only fabric for three. Anyway, here are the pictures of the squares that the instructor assured me would all be part of the same quilt when we finish at the end of the year. (We'll see. I don't understand how it will all go together and she isn't telling. I think she isn't sure either.) The wall hangings I will post when I get March's done next week. I can only do a project a week or I get obsessive!

Aaaarg! I have tried twice and the picture's not posting so now have to call Court! Poor Court.

So now Courtney helped me but the pictures are in reverse order. I did the bottom one first and the top one last. She gave me some helps for next time. That will probably be next week.