Gone!

It has now been a year since I finished chemo. I had my mammogram in March and then my six month mammo in September and they were both great. No sign of returning cancer. I finished my infusions of Herceptin the end of April and had my port out in May. I saw the oncologist in August for my followup and don't have to see him again for six months. I am done! Well, not quite. I have a bit more than four years of taking the oral drug to inhibit any new growth of cancer since I am HER2 positive. I am not very happy with the drug since it gives me hot flashes but that is better than having cancer. I will put up with it. Hot flashes is really a misnomer since it isn't a flash but rather a five to ten minute flush of intense heat. But it is what it is and much less annoying than all the cancer treatments.

When I first finished the treatments in April, I was suddenly rather depressed. Much more so then when I was told I had cancer and was going through treatments. It took a while for me to figure out why but I think I finally discovered the reason. I was afraid it was coming back because I was no longer doing anything to fight it. Now after completing several exams and realizing the oral drug is still fighting I am no longer depressed or frightened. There are other things to worry me now.

My oldest son has cancer. He is only 39 and found out on his birthday that he has skin cancer on his chest. Not the kind of cancer from the sun but another much rarer kind. The doctor told him only about 200 people a year get his kind of cancer. He is having surgery this week to have it removed and then when we get the doctor's report I hope I can stop being so nervous. I am not sleeping well as I keep thinking about him and his son and all they have been through. His wife died of colon cancer just two and a half years ago. Hopefully we will get a good report in a few more days. He says the cure rate is ninety percent, so I hope so.

I hope to continue sharing my thoughts but on a wider variety of topics and happier thoughts. I feel like my life was on pause for a year and a half. Over that now and on to the rest of my life.

Thoughtful Ideas

Read and copied this from another blogger I follow. I want this on a poster! It seems these ideas I only discovered after the age of 50.  How sad is that; to have wasted so many years frustrated because I couldn't give up. I have been successful on some of these and am still working on others. This list is a great goal for many of us to make us to much lighter and happier.(Original Source Unknown)

Here is a list of 15 things, which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier, and much more happy. We are holding on to so many things that are causing us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering, and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy, we cling on to them, but not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. So here we go:

 1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us can’t stand the idea of being wrong, wanting to always be right, even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for them and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the “urgent” need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that even make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you, situations, events, people, etc., whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street, and just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel. “By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or what you don’t have; for what you feel or what you don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self defeating self talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their horrible, negative, polluted, repetitive and self defeating self talk? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you, especially if it’s negative and self defeating. “The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or can not do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you in place, to keep you stuck. Spread your wings and fly! “A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things, people, situations, events, that make you unhappy, sad, blues, depressed, and so on. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad, miserable, depressed, mad, angry, etc. , unless you allow it too. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it, you attitude. Doesn’t that make you feel a lot better now? More powerful and in control?

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events, people that are different than you. We are all different but we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved, we all want to be understood… We all want something, and that something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, just so you can make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements on your life and also of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change, don’t resist it. “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people, events that you don’t understand as being WEIRD and try opening your mind, little by little. You know, minds only work if open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exit, you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into places. “The only fear you should fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them away. Tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use, and instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses, excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard, so hard, especially when the past looks so much better than the present moment and the futures looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all that you have, all that you had and all that you will ever have. The past you are now longing for, the past that you are now dreaming about, was ignored by you when it was present, so stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life.Life is a journey, not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, and it still is, but it’s not something that is impossible. You get better and better at it in time, by practicing… The moment you detach yourself from all things, and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them, because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another ( attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less. Where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things, without even trying too. Such a precious thing. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government, the media, etc. think is best for them, and they ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives, they forget what makes them happy, they forget what they want, what they need… and eventually, they forget about themselves, they forget who they are. You have one life, this life, the only life, live it, own it, and don’t let other people’s good opinion distract you from your path.

The Houses of My Life - Part 2

In the last post about houses I have lived in I ended with us living in a chicken coop. Well, not with the chickens, as the coop had been converted, but to a three room apartment for at least two families. There may have been more but I don't remember others. Anyway, we lived there for part of my third grade and the following summer. I don't remember if I started fourth grade while living there but if so it was not for long. We moved to a house on Blair Street that had been converted to an apartment upstairs and one down. We had the one upstairs that had a tiny living room, a huge (for me) kitchen, and two nice bedrooms. The interesting part of this house was that there was a door leading onto the landing from the living room and also one from the master bedroom. Allan and I shared a room with bunk beds where there was a lot of floor space for us to play in our room. I remember we both were in school there and that we walked to school. While living there my parents fought a lot and I can remember often waking up to them yelling at each other. One time I especially remember they were fighting about my dad catching another man he knew in the house with her. He had come home unexpectedly and Bob (the man's name) had tried to escape notice by leaving by the door going out of the bedroom. Duh, my dad had already seen his car parked outside. When he wasn't in the living room - dad went right back out the front door and met him and hit him as he was trying to run down the stairs. I remember dad threatening mom that he would take the kids and leave her and one day she must have thought he was going to. She picked Allan and me up early from school and took us to the bus and said if dad showed up we were not to get into the car with him. He didn't show up and I don't remember where we went or for how long but I know we were back at the house shortly after that. It was while here that they decided to buy a house with the GI bill backing for a down payment.

We moved to a little red house on Lake Street. The street was only two blocks long and there was a lake at the end of it. We often stopped at the house to see how the progress was on the building of it. One time when we went to check the progress on the interior of the house, it was raining and muddy so we waited in the car for dad to check and come back. Mom (proudly??) pointed out a house on the street behind our house and told me that was where Bob had just moved with his family of six kids. I knew Bob because he worked at the gas station where mom always got her gas near where my dad worked. Here I was in fourth grade and being told that. What was I supposed to think or do with that information? I remember thinking it wasn't going to be a good move.  But we moved in the spring of my fourth grade year. We lived in this house until the summer after tenth grade. I loved it there because it was the longest we had ever lived anywhere, I had my own room and Allan had his, and I had lots of friends in the neighborhood and at school. It was while in this house that my mother's affair finally hit rock bottom and they all had it out and the affair finally ended. Unfortunately, the biggest fight was on Christmas of my sixth grade year. After drinking Christmas eve and Christmas day dad blew up at mom and started throwing things around and ended up badly cutting his hand on a bottle of booze he broke. We ran to the neighbors crying and they took care of the situation. It was after this that things started to calm down and they decided to have more kids and get active in church. I remember hating school vacations because then I had to be at home around my parents. It was at this time that Allan started having behavior troubles at school, too. While at this house my parents had two more boys and decided the house was too small and rather than expand into the basement they decided to build another house in the county. The building was going to take about a year since my dad was going to do a lot of the work himself with his brother-in-law helping. They moved into a temporary house while I was away at girls' camp, to a rental at St. Croix Beach with no hot running water and only a toilet in the bathroom. Nice! They were waiting for me at the neighbor's when I got home and off we went. It was a turning point in my life in many ways - some for good and some not so good. It was a highly emotional move and I was devastated emotionally for many years.

St. Croix Beach. This rental property was a couple blocks from the St. Croix River which separated Minnesota and Wisconsin from one another. It was summer and Allan and I often went down to the beach to swim. Sometimes I took Brian with us as he was now three and taught him to swim underwater that summer. We lived there until the house was finished enough for us to move into in March of my junior year of high school. We now took the school bus to school, first on and last off, in the town of Stillwater. Stillwater was a small town also on the St. Croix River. Our house was in Lake Elmo, but the school was the same at both places we were living so at least I didn't have to change schools again.  At the little house in St. Croix Beach the only running water was in the kitchen and it was only cold. So in the "bathroom" where there was only a toilet, we had a fresh bowl of water a couple times a day on a table to wash our hands in and we took sponge baths in the kitchen. We had to heat water to wash dishes and to bathe. I felt like a pioneer. We had an old fashioned coal stove with an isinglass window on the door to heat the small house. It had only two bedrooms so I had one, the boys had another, and my parents slept on the enclosed porch that had no heat or closet. It was weird to me and I never invited anyone to my house.

When we finally moved to the house in Lake Elmo it wasn't quite finished. We didn't have carpets and Allan's room in the walk out basement wasn't built. But at least we had hot and cold water and a bath and a half. As much as I hated living in the country down a long dirt road away from the highway - it was modern compared with the "shack" we had been living in. It really didn't seem to take long to finish the odds and ends as dad no longer had to travel to work on the house after working all day. It had three bedrooms upstairs and a nice bedroom was built downstairs for Allan. I got my first job while living in this house. It was right on the border of St. Paul so I had a long bus ride from Stillwater after school to St. Paul and then I walked a mile to the store I cashiered three nights a week and Saturdays. My folks would pick me up at night at 9:00 P.M. when the store closed. It seems funny now that everyone managed to get their shopping done without stores being open all night seven days a week. Our house was half way between Stillwater on the east and St. Paul on the west. I lived there and worked at Red Owl Supermarket until I went away to college.

The summer after graduating from high school my mother and I had another of our many huge fights. She expected me to clean and babysit for her when I wasn't at work without checking to see if I had made other plans to spend time with friends. Actually, I wasn't allowed to do anything with friends unless I wasn't needed at home. When I didn't do what she wanted this last time she came to my work and yelled at me while I was working - in front of customers and coworkers - and then didn't come to pick me up that night after work. So at 10 P.M. I called a friend of the family who also worked there and lived close by and went to spend the night at their house. The next day - they drove me to my house while the family was at church and I moved out most of my stuff and spent the summer at their house.

Then it was off to college and I tried a couple summers to spend it at home in Lake Elmo but after two or three miserable summers I quit coming home from college.  My parents moved many more times with my two youngest brothers. I lived with them a couple months in the craft/storage room at another of their homes while I found my own apartment. But I worked two jobs so I wouldn't be around much. Allan left home before graduating to join the Army. He got his GED and never lived at home for long after that.

Maybe next time I will go on to the houses I lived in after marriage and divorce.

My Hair History of Cancer - in Reverse!

 Okay, these pictures posted the opposite of what I wanted so I will go from the present backwards to last spring. This first picture is my hair now. It is about 2 inches all over and starting to curl once again. This is how I will wear my hair if and when I go crazy and can't remember how to do things at the Alzheimer's home.

 Here is a picture of the eyelashes I had added to my short sparse lashes that are starting to grow back. They really look real since I had her put "short" ones to the ones that have started to grow back. You can also see that my eyebrows are starting to grow back. The false lashes are glued to my regular ones and should last 4-6 weeks. They were a Christmas present but I had to wait until I had more lashes to get the added. It is fun but I don't think I would do it if it hadn't been a gift - too expensive for someone who only works around the house and goes to the gym.

 Here is my hair growth the first week of January. It was still too short to style. It just laid flat and rather style less. At least now I can put product in my hair and try to punk it up a bit. Because my hair is curly it  just looks curly and not punky.

 Here is my hair as I was losing it. There is a bit of fuzz all around but most of it was totally gone a few weeks after this and I just ran around bald since it was summer and so hot.

 Here was my "stylish" (?) head ensemble for church. I was uncomfortable with a bare head since I couldn't figure out where to stop with face makeup when there was no hairline.  I didn't like the free wigs and couldn't see paying a lot for a wig I would only wear a couple times a couple for a few months.

Here was my hair after getting it cut for Beth's wedding and before the chemo began. I think I may stay with a short do as my hair grows back. But who knows I always get bored.

A New Year - Another Beginning

I confess, I love beginnings. I love to start a new year, a new month, a new week, a new project. You get the idea. I used to forbid my children to turn over a new month on the calendar because it gave me such a happy feeling to start fresh. Well, last year was totally new and different but not what I had in mind for a new beginning. That gives the start of this year an even greater weight to begin anew.

I saw the oncologist last week and he says I am doing extremely well. I won't be 100% for a couple more months which made me feel better as I was starting to get depressed with my energy still not up to par. Now I will not expect that until spring. Spring! My most favored time of year - new beginnings again - new leaves, new flowers, etc. , again, you get the idea.  In March I go for a new mammogram and see all the doctors again. That will be a really stressful month as I wait to get the results from all the tests a year after the crazy news that I have breast cancer. This year I hope to say - I don't have breast cancer.

I started the year a week later than usual since I had my oldest son and my grandson here from Omaha. But it was totally worth it to be able to visit with them when they weren't visiting friends here in the valley. But, once Christmas was cleared away I began cleaning and purging. I cleaned out the linen closet, the storage trunk in my bedroom, and the quilting mess. Now I have begun on closets and getting the DI bag ready for donations. I hope to get my car all fixed up too since it has some issues with a door lock and a side mirror that need replacing. Then on to each individual room - a scrub down from top to bottom. I wasn't able to do that last year and so I really feel the urge this year. I am not going to do anything outside until sometime in March except scoop the dog poop. I HATE that but I am too cheap to pay someone to do something I can do myself.

I have upped my gym attendance to three times a week and the doctor gave the go ahead to go everyday if I choose to. I choose not to, but I will up it to four times a week and increase the duration at least one or two days a week. I am going to try a zumba class but it comes after my regular strength and tone class so I don't know how long it will take for me to stay for two classes in a row. I am hoping just 3-4 weeks. I had started increasing my gym time last year to help me lose 50 pounds and then the cancer issue started and I decided that was enough. Now that issue is gone and the 50 pound loss is upper most in my mind. I figured if I wrote it in my blog I would feel more committed. I am doing better in cutting calories but I always prefer high calorie foods so I have to be diligent.

I hope to pay off the cancer bills with tax return money so I will be able to save again to get the house ready to sell later this year or next. I would also like to take a road trip to Washington if I can get a sitter for my dad this year. I am going to look into short and long term care centers near by and that will free me up a bit to travel if one of my brothers can't come and stay with him for a few days while I am gone.

I am full of gratitude for my blessings, or luck, or good fortune or whatever one chooses to call it of the last year. As bad as it could have been it seems to have gone by fairly easily. I didn't weep and wail and wallow as I have seen so many others with cancer do. I don't think that helps one fight the disease and if you are doing what you should and can do that is all you can ask of yourself. Is it bad to have cancer? Of course, but it could always be worse. I am so grateful it was me and not one of my children or grandchildren. And there are many things that are so much worse that can happen to one in this life that this is just a blip on the radar. We all have to die and cancer is just one way, not always the best or worst, just one way. Doctors are able to cure so many cancers now with early detection that it is not the definitive death knell it once was.