In the Beginning.

So yes, I still have cancer. No miracle occurred to take it away. Although I must be honest that was never part of my prayers and it really didn't dawn on me until now that I hadn't prayed for that. I just prayed for the strength to get through each procedure as they came up. And then of course, I spent the night before each not sleeping - just a bundle of nerves. The procedures were never bad enough to lose the sleep but that is how my nerves work - if only I couldn't eat instead of not being able to sleep, the benefit would be so much better.

Today was my first chemo infusion. They told me it would be about 3 hours - it was 5. Thank goodness it wasn't all chemo infusion. After I had the blood draws (extra ones too because I am being good and taking part in a BYU study and research on cancer) through the port (I LOVE THAT THING!) this cute older lady sat next to me. She had the same cancer I did and the same drugs but this was her last infusion of Herceptin, so she had been at this the full year. She gave me so much info about what it was like for her and showed me her stubbly hair that was growing in slowly but surely. It made me feel better. After she left a guy sat there and he too was on his last treatment but for a different cancer so his drugs and reactions were different. People there at the center are so kind and sharing - both patients, nurses, and attendants. I asked a lot of questions of my nurse and he had the patience to answer them all. After he left I wrote all the answers down so when I wondered again I could look them up.

So here was today's program:

1. I put numbing cream on the port at home so it would be good and numb before they put the needle in. (The port is under the skin so Alex said I looked like an alien. It is in a triangle and has 3 bumps you can feel and they insert the needle into it and then everything is done on the IV line that is attached.) But you would feel the needle if you didn't use the numbing cream.

2. They weigh you, take your temp and BP each time you go into the office to monitor you and not take anything for granted.

3. Once I am in my "lounging" chair they draw blood to check that my blood cells are ok for chemo. Plus today they drew the extra ones for the BYU study. (Chalk one up for me being a good blood sharer since I can never donate blood again) They check those before starting any infusion to make sure my red and white cell count is good. There is something else they are checking for but that won't be back until tomorrow and they call me with that info. I don't remember what that was for - my note taking missed that one. They were sure today I would be good since it was my first time, but you never know down the road so they will check again in 2 weeks and again at my next chemo appointment.

4. Then they flush the port out to prepare to start infusions.

5. They first infusion today was Dexamethasone. I also took it in pill form yesterday, today and tomorrow. That was for an hour and is for nausea. Plus I have extra nausea pills to use as needed (2 prescriptions- Think they think I might get nausea?)

6. Next is the infusion of Herceptin for an hour. That is because I have the HER2 receptor and I have to get this every 3 weeks for a year.

7. Then they hit the big guns: Taxotere and Carboplatin. Those are separate infusions but total about 1 1/2 hours one right after the other.

8. They flush the port again and I am off for home.

The nurse, Doug, said I have a few hours before the nausea will hit this first time, but that each time will be different as the drugs all build up in my body. That is why I am doing the post before I spend my time with my head in a bucket. Bonnie was cute, she said it was a hard way to diet but she lost 40 pounds. I could only wish - I will probable gain!

Tomorrow I have to go back and get a shot of something I didn't write down today but will tomorrow, that helps build the white cells up to prepare my for my next session in 3 weeks. Bonnie gently told me she thinks that shot is $8000.00 per time. I hope she is wrong and that my insurance is good!

Alex and Beth are so good about helping me when I need it. Alex went to work late to take me to the hospital today but Beth picked me up and is taking me again tomorrow. I can no longer lift heavy objects (like bags of dirt and ground cover) because the port can move and then I have bigger problems so they are helping me get that spread around so I can plant when I have the energy. I am so determined to eck out 30 to 60 minutes a day after the nausea goes away. But we'll see - I am pretty lazy when I have a good excuse or can make up a good excuse or can get away with a poor excuse. My friend, Susan, is taking over cleaning the church this coming week, so cancer is my excuse for that. Beth is bringing over chicken soup for dad and I tomorrow or the next day - depending on how sick I get.

All in all, considering what this is and that it still seems surreal. It was a good 2 days. Boy that even seems surreal to say that. But then I am not nauseous or tired yet. Then the reality will hit I bet.

Kathleen and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I have cancer. I HAVE CANCER! I have cancer? What a crock! My doctor called me late yesterday afternoon as I was having a lovely nap and gave me the news. What a terrible way to wake from a lovely nap snuggled under the covers in my bed. I must admit I wasn't terribly surprised - I had a biopsy on Tuesday and really thought it would be cancer. I have breast cancer in my right breast. Crap, it couldn't even be on the left side? I had the meeting with the boob doctor today and decided to have a lumpectomy on Tuesday. It is done on an outpatient basis - in and out - the lump and me from LDS Hospital.

I couldn't feel anything, when I had my physical last month my regular doctor didn't feel it, and the boob doctor couldn't either. After two sets of mammograms, and two ultasounds she saw it and I had the biopsy on Tuesday and got the results yesterday, Wednesday. After thinking about it for a while I went to Beth's and told her. It was surreal to verbalize that I had cancer. It still seems unreal. Today I told my friend Susan, my trainer Peggy, Alex, and now I have to call Courtney and tomorrow night I will try to reach Ryan. I wasn't going to tell anyone until after the surgery but I need transportation so I had to tell someone and then I thought how mad I would be if my children didn't tell me if it happened to them. I am not going to let anyone else know until after the surgery though. I will be fine and don't need people bringing food. I have already eaten about 2000 calories in candy since yesterday afternoon.

The prognosis is very positive for what we know at this time. As far as the doctor can tell no lymph nodes are affected. It is an aggressive tumor but we caught it very early. We will know more after the surgery and lab results are in of course. Then on to the oncologist for info on radiation and/or chemo. It is all unpleasant and too bad it happened in the spring, my favorite time of year to work in the yard! I was hoping to do a lot of yard work but may have to take it easy on that. Maybe I can postpone the follow up treatments until July when I don't want to be in the yard much.

I haven't cried really - just a bit the first time I had to say the words to Beth. It was so unreal that verbalizing it was shocking. I know I will be well in the long run and so grateful that it was found early. I look forward to this being behind me. I am only emotional when I think of telling my kids. I am not going to tell the little grandkids or my dad. The little kids would worry for no reason when I am going to okay in the long run and my dad will just cry. I may have to tell him if I get really sick on the treatments though. I will deal with whatever comes up; I always do in one way or another.

What's Your Name, Baby?

A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing our names and those we had chosen for our children and why we had chosen them. I thought it would be interesting to jot it down here for those of my family who may not know or me to remember when I am in my dotage. So for what it is worth, here is a tidbit of my naming history.

My heritage is German with a bit of English thrown in to balance it out. My Grandmother Miller's name was Katherine. A fine name for one of either heritage, but hers was German, and she was always called Kate as I recall. Anyway, my mother liked that name but not the woman so much, so she decided to call me Kathleen. A fine Irish name of which I have no claim of heritage. She also called me Kathleen and thought that since she did no one else would have the audacity to call me anything else. She obviously forgot my father since he was away fighting in the war and only wrote to her. But the war ended and he came home, whereupon, he briskly called me Katrina (German) or Kathy, both to her dismay and displeasure. However, being a stubborn German, (I know, that is a stereotype, but knowing my dad, apt.) he persisted and she relented. I was known then and forever as Kathy. However, the most interesting part of this to me is that I have never felt like a Kathy - even as a young child. I feel like a Kathleen and I like how Kathleen looks written out. The end of all this about myself is that it would have made more sense to me to just name me Katherine to honor my heritage and still the nickname would have been the same.

My children:

I wanted my children to have names that were not so common that there would be several in their classrooms at school with the same name. That was often the case as I grew up and I still experience multiple Kathys wherever I go. When teaching there were five of us at working at the school, in church there are four, and while attending school there were always more that three per classroom. So while having a sure knowledge that I wanted my first born son to have my maiden name as his middle name, we had a hard time finding a name to agree on. I didn't have the benefit of being alone as my mother had been in choosing a name since my husband lived in the same house with me every day. One day while driving home from work I passed a business with a huge name sign and logo in front that said "Miller Ryan and Associates" or Company or something like that. Bingo - both my husband and I agreed on reversing that and we had a name: Ryan Miller Curtis. Back in those days we couldn't find out until the birth what sex the child was so we had an alternate name for a girl, Amy (after a character in Little Women) Kathleen Curtis. That was easier, I liked it and my husband didn't object. On August 31 Ryan Miller Curtis was born. Five years later the name was almost as common as Kathy had been for me as a child. But at least not while he was in school - he was five years ahead of the name game.

Almost 2 1/2 years later we were struggling with names again. This time I was sure I was having a girl so I don't even remember what name we picked out for a boy but it was probably Alex. My first choice for a girl had been Megan ever since I read that name in a story and as an homage to Meg in Little Women since I hated the name Margaret. That was totally not agreeable to my husband. He also wasn't so sure about the next name I wanted for a girl but when she was born very early in the morning I think he wanted sleep more than an argument so he agreed on Courtney but wanted to pick the middle name. I was so happy to have a Courtney I quickly agreed. I thought it was the name of an old girl friend of his, although he denied it, but I didn't even care since it was pretty. My Courtney Melissa Curtis was born on May 7. Such a pretty name but it took at least ten years for it to become popular much to her dismay. She always wanted to find items with her name on them and it was so obscure we couldn't until she was an adult. I made her a pair of jeans once and put her name on the back pocket where the logo should have gone and that somewhat appeased her.

A bit over a year later we were working on the names for another child. Again as a big fan of the book Little Women I wanted a Bethany we could call Beth. My husband hated the name Bethany but liked Elizabeth and agreed we could call her Beth. Once again the male name was Alex. I only wish I had spelled it Elisabeth at the time, but on March 30 Elizabeth Kay Curtis was born. I wanted to name her after myself (but of course!) but thought Elizabeth Kathleen Curtis was just too much and I didn't want just an initial so went for Kay in place of Kathleen. Because her first name was so old fashioned we didn't give her my old fashioned middle name, Mae, although that too would have been short. Funny thing was though, her Grandfather Curtis periodically would call her Elizabeth Mae - guess we could have just gone with that. Beth had what I thought was a most common name (Elizabeth) at the time of her birth but names were going in the direction of unusual at that time so she never had other kids with the name Beth in her classes. They may have had the proper name but not the shortened Beth.

Finally, almost four years later, pregnant with my last child we were in the name game again. I really wanted Noah by this time but again was nixed on that name. Luckily we still had Alex on the brain for a boy and although we considered Alexander for a moment, we knew we wouldn't call him that so why make that his name. Had he been a girl he would have been Carrie Kathleen. No Little Women reference this time. His middle name we agreed would be after his father. On July 6 Alex Veral Curtis was born. Now both Alex and I wish we had chosen a different middle name, he won't even tell people his middle name unless required by law. I wish I had given him the same middle name as Ryan. But it was just a few years later that Alex was very common. With all the trouble we went to with names in the end it just didn't seem to matter. Find one you like and don't worry about the popularity.

Things That Make Me Happy

It is a happy new year and I decided to start the year with a list of the first 100 things on my list of happy things. I guess it is somewhat of a gratitude list too but these things make me happy so that is what I am going with today.

1. Organized the stack of drawers in my “new” office.

2. Went to “Keep Moving” class at gym and am now exhausted but satisfied that this is a class I need.

3. Quilt class was fun socially and we are almost done with our quilt top.

4. Dad had out patient surgery and came through well but a bit “butt” sore.

5. Went walking, even though I am still sore from Tuesday’s class at gym.

6. Cut and trimmed the front yard.

7. Wrapped and boxed ready to ship baby blankets and burp cloths I made for Courtney’s baby.

8. Did some cleaning inside the house.

9. Think I have finished cutting the yard for the winter.

10. Scheduled a guy to aerate the lawn tomorrow.

11. Planted pansies for winter and spring.

12. Bought quilt backing for 2 quilts – 30% off!

13. Rained, so didn’t do any outside work.

14. Took half a day to catch up with my TIVO viewing.

15. Cleaned my bedroom and bathroom sparkly clean and neat at least for a couple of days.

16. Cooked a good and healthy dinner.

17. Slept in and got up when I wanted to not when I should have or needed to.

18. 36 hours went by without me having to get into the car!

19. Tried a new soup recipe on this snowy day and it turned out good except too spicy for dad.

20. Got new pictures of Courtney’s kids and her family picture.

21. Got a surprise gift of my favorite candy bars (Nut Goodie) from my niece, Adrienne, in Minnesota.

22. Getting the Kindle from Alex, which holds books and music.

23. Climbing into a bed made up with freshly washed mattress pad and sheets.

24. I LOVE my TIVO !

25. A freshly painted office ready to organize.

26. Lunch and good conversation with friends.

27. Getting the yard completely ready for winter.

28. Connected to my “old” friend Richard on Facebook. We have known each other for 47 years.

29. Completely retired for a full year now and still so happy with the decision.

30. Finished getting Alex’s yard ready for winter. No major yard work for 5-6 months. Yaa!

31. So thankful for the opportunity to get old!

32. First big snowfall of the season!

33. Having a snow blower to clean the deep, heavy snow.

34. Moving the furniture around to give the room a new look.

35. Finding great bargains when shopping.

36. Finishing the painting of the walls in my office.

37. Getting the shelves put up in my office.

38. Bright orange sweet potatoes (everyone calls yams)

39. Thanksgiving Holiday

40. Having family over for holiday dinners

41. Having family from out of town come to visit.

42. Having cousins spend the night and not fight!

43. Going bowling with family

44. Having a snow blower when it snow over 6 inches (18 inches on the ground now!)

45. Having heat in the house after I am doing snow blowing and shoveling.

46. Having good neighbors who clean my driveway so I don’t have to go out in the cold and do it.

47. Having a computer so I don’t have to write and get hand cramps.

48. Having a gym close by to go to and work off the calories from the holidays and just everyday eating.

49. Having a car that is reliable to get me where I need to go.

50. Hugs and kisses from the grandchildren

51. Opportunity to have grandkids spend the night one at a time now and again.

52. Sending homemade baby gifts to Courtney for the new baby.

53. Shopping for Christmas gifts and having the money to pay for them instead of charging them.

54. Finished shopping for Christmas gifts early.

55. Got all gifts mailed early – even Aaron’s b’day gift.

56. Great family get-together for Christmas Eve.

57. Got up early Christmas morning and played Santa at Alex’s house by filling his stocking while he slept upstairs.

58. Traditional Christmas movie outing with Alex.

59. Nap Christmas afternoon.

60. Made big French toast breakfast for Christmas morning for dad, Alex, and me.

61. Finished quilt for Courtney’s new baby and mailed it “before” the baby is born!

62. Napped for about an hour 3 days in a row.

63. A new baby in the family to love on.

64. The smell of new babies.

65. The feel of new babies.

66. People who care about me and let me know by helping me out when I need it.

67. A safe plane trip so I don’t get scared to fly to visit my family.

68. My son, Ryan, who is an amazing dad and was an amazing husband to his wife while she was alive.

69. My daughter, Courtney, who is the mom I wish I had had and wish I had been.

70. My daughter, Beth, who tries so hard to be happy and is so loving to her son.

71. My son, Alex, who is my right hand man when I need him without ever complaining.

72. Having enough money to pay bills and still not have to go to a job.

73. Being able to get up when you want to and not when you have to.

74. Being smart.

75. Learning to quilt.

76. Playing games on the computer.

77. Winning games on the computer.

78. Being relatively healthy for my age.

79. Joining the gym for another 3 months.

80. Going to the gym 3 days a week unless I am out of town or sick.

81. I love, love, love my Kindle!

82. Being able to get up in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and do what I want.

83. Movie matinees with hardly anyone in the theater.

84. I love going to plays even more than movies.

85. Awesome grandchildren, whom I wish I could see more often.

86. The first day of a new year.

87. The first day of a new month.

88. Mondays, now that I am retired. (Monday is really the beginning of a new week and not Sunday.)

89. The middle 2 pieces of a cake pan cake. I could give the rest away.

90. Chocolate cake and cold milk for breakfast.

91. New calendars.

92. Reading blogs of other people.

93. Reading books.

94. Reading magazines.

95. Playing games with grandkids.

96. Being tall instead of short.

97. I loved having dark hair until it turned white.

98. Having snow for some days in winter but not all the days.

99. January thaw in Utah.

100. People who use umbrellas in the snow.

Well, that was fun!

Thanksgiving

Quote: "We need to be grateful for many things that did not happen." Langenhoven

Every Thanksgiving most of us think or talk about all the things we are thankful for in the past year. I saw this quote today and thought how true it is for most of us. I thought back to when I would travel between Utah and Minnesota several times a year when I was in college. How careless we all were in our over crowded car without seat belts and how blessed to not have anything but minor discomforts during those trips. Look at the news and how many have accidents or are stranded at airports because of various reasons. I know that I, for one, drove too fast over snowy and icy roads several times and was so fortunate not to have to step on the brakes as we would have skidded and crashed for sure. I look at all the sicknesses that so many children have to go through in their young lives and none of mine ever had a serious illness. Look at the children, mothers and fathers who die much too young. The worst thing I ever had when young was a divorce and a child who had trouble being in control. Big deal! In the larger scheme of things, I was so incredible blessed not just by what I had or was able to do for myself and my family but for all the terrible things that could have happened. but did not.

I love the Thanksgiving holiday. I thought I had expressed this sentiment to everyone I know but apparently I missed telling my children. I do love this time of year because I really try to be aware of all my blessings all the time but I take time during November to really focus on the blessings that I may over look. Look at the billions of people who have been born through out the world and I was born to a LDS family in Minnesota, not in Africa, Asia, Mexico, or the projects of huge cities in America. I worked to graduate from college, but at least I was able to do it! I always wanted children and had no trouble or miscarriages with my pregnancies. I have amazing good health for a person my age. My health woes are extremely minor - few meds and no joint replacements or heart troubles. How cool is that! Almost all my friends my age have these problems so I am amazed and incredibly grateful.

My heart is full! My life is full and I am happy!

Happy Thanksgiving 2010.

Joy in the Journey

One of the series of classes that I went to during Education Week was on finding joy in the journey, now. It was taught by Randal Wright, a funny guy from Texas. I had never heard of him but he entertained me because he would say the funniest things or tell a funny story in the most sober and straightforward manner - it really cracked me up.

An interesting point he brought out was how we periodically need to be reminded of who we are. In the daily rush of life we sometimes forget that except on Sundays and then depending on our church responsibilities often not even then. I have been reminded of that a lot recently with the news reports about the mosque in New York and the crazy guy who wants to burn the Quran, and the other hate mongers spouting their various brands of hatred. I am even saddened by the number of LDS followers who claim to believe in the church and its leaders but spout hatred all the same towards those of other faiths. If we believe what the church leaders and the scriptures tell us we have no need to fear but we do need to live our beliefs and not spread our hatred and fear of those of other religions. We as LDS should be above that. But, the point is, I felt that being at Education Week was reminding me of who I am and should be. I resolved to try to be more diligent at following the principles that I profess to believe in. I, like many others, need to continue to strive to be better in action and not just in theory. I have been so remiss in doing those things I should to let the Savior know that I know who I am and that I value that knowledge. I have been trying since Ed. Week to do better and in some ways I have, although I have far to go and so far this past month I have been consciously enjoying the journey.

I have to admit though, that as I have thought about it, I find it easier to enjoy the present moments now that I don't have as many other things and people competing for my attention. My stress levels are down and being aware of the present is easier when there isn't so much competition for my attention. I love the scripture about there being a time for everything. This is my reflective time, I guess. I hope I am able to go to Ed. Week again next year.

Day One of Education Week

Wow - It has really been a long time since I have posted. I have been busy this summer though. I signed up to be a hostess for BYU Education Week this week. I used to go before I was teaching, and it is always the first week teachers have to be back in the classroom so it has been 18 years since I last went. The only bad thing, I think, is they expect you to dress, in their words, in business dress, then they say wear skirts or dresses. Puleeese! That hasn't been business dress since the seventies. But as a hostess I can go to any class free any day. So I am trying it - as trying as it is to wear skirts and dresses for 6 days in a row, counting church!

First day I was hostess all afternoon so I only went to the three classes I was hosting and they were fun. They were on organization, which I am pretty good on and already knew some of her ideas. However, when she said to get rid of half your stuff I knew she wasn't talking to me. At least not yet. The only reason I am going to get rid of most of my stuff is that it is cheaper that shipping it and replacing it when I move.

Some of her tidbits that I liked:

1.) The brain is for thinking; writing is for remembering. (I thought that was just my excuse to be lazy.)

2.) Disciplined patterns can help life run smoother. (I do this with only some things: I pay bills only on 1st and 25th of the month. When I had 4 little ones I spent 15 minutes cleaning per room each day- with a timer, no less! then moved on to better things.) She suggested starting a pattern even if it is only for a short session then lengthen the session once the patterns are set. Example: get up, pray, exercise, brush teeth, scripture reading, journal, clean up and dress.

3.) When people die and you have lots of their left overs, only keep what you will use - 10% max. Give the rest away. Take pictures before you give them away if they have a memory attached and journal or scrapbook about the meaning of the article. It takes less space and our thoughts are then included for others to know why we valued the item.

4.) We are only stewards over the things we have - we don't own them so we shouldn't clutter up our lives with excess things we don't use but only store. There are many other people who could use them and we shouldn't hoard.

Of course, she had scripture references to back her up (this is BYU Education Week) but I hadn't brought any thing to write on but her handout which SHE filled.

Last thought to add from this class that I forgot when I originally posted this:

There is a time in all our lives when we go from "Simultaneous" to "Sequential"

I found it so helpful to know that I am not the only one who can no longer do 5 or 6 things at the same time, and do them all well. Maybe I can do 2 but most often one at a time is the max if I want to do a good job.