The Houses of My Life - Part 2

In the last post about houses I have lived in I ended with us living in a chicken coop. Well, not with the chickens, as the coop had been converted, but to a three room apartment for at least two families. There may have been more but I don't remember others. Anyway, we lived there for part of my third grade and the following summer. I don't remember if I started fourth grade while living there but if so it was not for long. We moved to a house on Blair Street that had been converted to an apartment upstairs and one down. We had the one upstairs that had a tiny living room, a huge (for me) kitchen, and two nice bedrooms. The interesting part of this house was that there was a door leading onto the landing from the living room and also one from the master bedroom. Allan and I shared a room with bunk beds where there was a lot of floor space for us to play in our room. I remember we both were in school there and that we walked to school. While living there my parents fought a lot and I can remember often waking up to them yelling at each other. One time I especially remember they were fighting about my dad catching another man he knew in the house with her. He had come home unexpectedly and Bob (the man's name) had tried to escape notice by leaving by the door going out of the bedroom. Duh, my dad had already seen his car parked outside. When he wasn't in the living room - dad went right back out the front door and met him and hit him as he was trying to run down the stairs. I remember dad threatening mom that he would take the kids and leave her and one day she must have thought he was going to. She picked Allan and me up early from school and took us to the bus and said if dad showed up we were not to get into the car with him. He didn't show up and I don't remember where we went or for how long but I know we were back at the house shortly after that. It was while here that they decided to buy a house with the GI bill backing for a down payment.

We moved to a little red house on Lake Street. The street was only two blocks long and there was a lake at the end of it. We often stopped at the house to see how the progress was on the building of it. One time when we went to check the progress on the interior of the house, it was raining and muddy so we waited in the car for dad to check and come back. Mom (proudly??) pointed out a house on the street behind our house and told me that was where Bob had just moved with his family of six kids. I knew Bob because he worked at the gas station where mom always got her gas near where my dad worked. Here I was in fourth grade and being told that. What was I supposed to think or do with that information? I remember thinking it wasn't going to be a good move.  But we moved in the spring of my fourth grade year. We lived in this house until the summer after tenth grade. I loved it there because it was the longest we had ever lived anywhere, I had my own room and Allan had his, and I had lots of friends in the neighborhood and at school. It was while in this house that my mother's affair finally hit rock bottom and they all had it out and the affair finally ended. Unfortunately, the biggest fight was on Christmas of my sixth grade year. After drinking Christmas eve and Christmas day dad blew up at mom and started throwing things around and ended up badly cutting his hand on a bottle of booze he broke. We ran to the neighbors crying and they took care of the situation. It was after this that things started to calm down and they decided to have more kids and get active in church. I remember hating school vacations because then I had to be at home around my parents. It was at this time that Allan started having behavior troubles at school, too. While at this house my parents had two more boys and decided the house was too small and rather than expand into the basement they decided to build another house in the county. The building was going to take about a year since my dad was going to do a lot of the work himself with his brother-in-law helping. They moved into a temporary house while I was away at girls' camp, to a rental at St. Croix Beach with no hot running water and only a toilet in the bathroom. Nice! They were waiting for me at the neighbor's when I got home and off we went. It was a turning point in my life in many ways - some for good and some not so good. It was a highly emotional move and I was devastated emotionally for many years.

St. Croix Beach. This rental property was a couple blocks from the St. Croix River which separated Minnesota and Wisconsin from one another. It was summer and Allan and I often went down to the beach to swim. Sometimes I took Brian with us as he was now three and taught him to swim underwater that summer. We lived there until the house was finished enough for us to move into in March of my junior year of high school. We now took the school bus to school, first on and last off, in the town of Stillwater. Stillwater was a small town also on the St. Croix River. Our house was in Lake Elmo, but the school was the same at both places we were living so at least I didn't have to change schools again.  At the little house in St. Croix Beach the only running water was in the kitchen and it was only cold. So in the "bathroom" where there was only a toilet, we had a fresh bowl of water a couple times a day on a table to wash our hands in and we took sponge baths in the kitchen. We had to heat water to wash dishes and to bathe. I felt like a pioneer. We had an old fashioned coal stove with an isinglass window on the door to heat the small house. It had only two bedrooms so I had one, the boys had another, and my parents slept on the enclosed porch that had no heat or closet. It was weird to me and I never invited anyone to my house.

When we finally moved to the house in Lake Elmo it wasn't quite finished. We didn't have carpets and Allan's room in the walk out basement wasn't built. But at least we had hot and cold water and a bath and a half. As much as I hated living in the country down a long dirt road away from the highway - it was modern compared with the "shack" we had been living in. It really didn't seem to take long to finish the odds and ends as dad no longer had to travel to work on the house after working all day. It had three bedrooms upstairs and a nice bedroom was built downstairs for Allan. I got my first job while living in this house. It was right on the border of St. Paul so I had a long bus ride from Stillwater after school to St. Paul and then I walked a mile to the store I cashiered three nights a week and Saturdays. My folks would pick me up at night at 9:00 P.M. when the store closed. It seems funny now that everyone managed to get their shopping done without stores being open all night seven days a week. Our house was half way between Stillwater on the east and St. Paul on the west. I lived there and worked at Red Owl Supermarket until I went away to college.

The summer after graduating from high school my mother and I had another of our many huge fights. She expected me to clean and babysit for her when I wasn't at work without checking to see if I had made other plans to spend time with friends. Actually, I wasn't allowed to do anything with friends unless I wasn't needed at home. When I didn't do what she wanted this last time she came to my work and yelled at me while I was working - in front of customers and coworkers - and then didn't come to pick me up that night after work. So at 10 P.M. I called a friend of the family who also worked there and lived close by and went to spend the night at their house. The next day - they drove me to my house while the family was at church and I moved out most of my stuff and spent the summer at their house.

Then it was off to college and I tried a couple summers to spend it at home in Lake Elmo but after two or three miserable summers I quit coming home from college.  My parents moved many more times with my two youngest brothers. I lived with them a couple months in the craft/storage room at another of their homes while I found my own apartment. But I worked two jobs so I wouldn't be around much. Allan left home before graduating to join the Army. He got his GED and never lived at home for long after that.

Maybe next time I will go on to the houses I lived in after marriage and divorce.

My Hair History of Cancer - in Reverse!

 Okay, these pictures posted the opposite of what I wanted so I will go from the present backwards to last spring. This first picture is my hair now. It is about 2 inches all over and starting to curl once again. This is how I will wear my hair if and when I go crazy and can't remember how to do things at the Alzheimer's home.

 Here is a picture of the eyelashes I had added to my short sparse lashes that are starting to grow back. They really look real since I had her put "short" ones to the ones that have started to grow back. You can also see that my eyebrows are starting to grow back. The false lashes are glued to my regular ones and should last 4-6 weeks. They were a Christmas present but I had to wait until I had more lashes to get the added. It is fun but I don't think I would do it if it hadn't been a gift - too expensive for someone who only works around the house and goes to the gym.

 Here is my hair growth the first week of January. It was still too short to style. It just laid flat and rather style less. At least now I can put product in my hair and try to punk it up a bit. Because my hair is curly it  just looks curly and not punky.

 Here is my hair as I was losing it. There is a bit of fuzz all around but most of it was totally gone a few weeks after this and I just ran around bald since it was summer and so hot.

 Here was my "stylish" (?) head ensemble for church. I was uncomfortable with a bare head since I couldn't figure out where to stop with face makeup when there was no hairline.  I didn't like the free wigs and couldn't see paying a lot for a wig I would only wear a couple times a couple for a few months.

Here was my hair after getting it cut for Beth's wedding and before the chemo began. I think I may stay with a short do as my hair grows back. But who knows I always get bored.

A New Year - Another Beginning

I confess, I love beginnings. I love to start a new year, a new month, a new week, a new project. You get the idea. I used to forbid my children to turn over a new month on the calendar because it gave me such a happy feeling to start fresh. Well, last year was totally new and different but not what I had in mind for a new beginning. That gives the start of this year an even greater weight to begin anew.

I saw the oncologist last week and he says I am doing extremely well. I won't be 100% for a couple more months which made me feel better as I was starting to get depressed with my energy still not up to par. Now I will not expect that until spring. Spring! My most favored time of year - new beginnings again - new leaves, new flowers, etc. , again, you get the idea.  In March I go for a new mammogram and see all the doctors again. That will be a really stressful month as I wait to get the results from all the tests a year after the crazy news that I have breast cancer. This year I hope to say - I don't have breast cancer.

I started the year a week later than usual since I had my oldest son and my grandson here from Omaha. But it was totally worth it to be able to visit with them when they weren't visiting friends here in the valley. But, once Christmas was cleared away I began cleaning and purging. I cleaned out the linen closet, the storage trunk in my bedroom, and the quilting mess. Now I have begun on closets and getting the DI bag ready for donations. I hope to get my car all fixed up too since it has some issues with a door lock and a side mirror that need replacing. Then on to each individual room - a scrub down from top to bottom. I wasn't able to do that last year and so I really feel the urge this year. I am not going to do anything outside until sometime in March except scoop the dog poop. I HATE that but I am too cheap to pay someone to do something I can do myself.

I have upped my gym attendance to three times a week and the doctor gave the go ahead to go everyday if I choose to. I choose not to, but I will up it to four times a week and increase the duration at least one or two days a week. I am going to try a zumba class but it comes after my regular strength and tone class so I don't know how long it will take for me to stay for two classes in a row. I am hoping just 3-4 weeks. I had started increasing my gym time last year to help me lose 50 pounds and then the cancer issue started and I decided that was enough. Now that issue is gone and the 50 pound loss is upper most in my mind. I figured if I wrote it in my blog I would feel more committed. I am doing better in cutting calories but I always prefer high calorie foods so I have to be diligent.

I hope to pay off the cancer bills with tax return money so I will be able to save again to get the house ready to sell later this year or next. I would also like to take a road trip to Washington if I can get a sitter for my dad this year. I am going to look into short and long term care centers near by and that will free me up a bit to travel if one of my brothers can't come and stay with him for a few days while I am gone.

I am full of gratitude for my blessings, or luck, or good fortune or whatever one chooses to call it of the last year. As bad as it could have been it seems to have gone by fairly easily. I didn't weep and wail and wallow as I have seen so many others with cancer do. I don't think that helps one fight the disease and if you are doing what you should and can do that is all you can ask of yourself. Is it bad to have cancer? Of course, but it could always be worse. I am so grateful it was me and not one of my children or grandchildren. And there are many things that are so much worse that can happen to one in this life that this is just a blip on the radar. We all have to die and cancer is just one way, not always the best or worst, just one way. Doctors are able to cure so many cancers now with early detection that it is not the definitive death knell it once was.

Glowing in the Dark?

I am done.  Well, at least done with the daily x rays and radiation I have been doing the last six weeks. My skin reaction didn't occur until I was about half way in and my skin started to be bright pink. I started putting aloe lotion on my skin and about a week later when I started to itch I used hydrocortisone cream. However, about a month into radiation I started to burn so got radiation cream to lessen the pain and the skin irritation. It really helped because I didn't get black skin like a couple of my friends did and now six days after the end of radiation my skin looks and feels pretty good. Not back to normal yet but doing very well - no pain, little white patches. Now I wonder if I glow in the dark while I sleep. That seemed like a lot of x rays and radiation.

I still have 5 months of herceptin infusions and the week after Thanksgiving I start my five years of aromatase inhibitor pills. I also had another bone density test this week and get another echocardiogram the end of the month. I need those every three months because the herceptin can effect the heart. I have started back to the gym two days a week for about an hour and next month hope to add another day per week. I need to lose about 50 pounds to lessen the chance of recurrence from what I have read on line and in cancer magazines. It is a never ending battle. When I was a young adult, my mother and I used to use black humor whenever one of us was sick and say "Oh, it is probably cancer." That way whatever it was would be the lesser of two evils. Now I can't say that - too bad my mother isn't here (and sane) to appreciate the irony.

My energy is coming back and I am getting so much more done almost every day than I have since May that my mood is happy too. Since mid October, I have been doing a lot of fall yard work, running errands, cleaning house, Christmas sewing, fun sewing and exercising and not huffing and puffing like I did while on treatment. The doctor said the radiation suppressed energy too, so I expect to keep getting better through the end of the year. I don't have to see the doctor until January so that makes me happy, too. My hair is growing back. In some places I am getting a lot more hair than I had before chemo: my fingers, my face, my legs. Unfortunately, I don't notice a lot MORE hair on my head and that is where I need it.

I hope I don't have to write about cancer again until next May when I am done with infusions and have my port removed and life is "normal" again.

Radiation - Will I Glow in the Future?

I am now half way through the radiation sessions. I have done 15 sessions with few side effects yet. It is annoying to have to drive to the cancer center every day, (I really love weekends now because I don't have to go) but I like it better than having cancer return.  I am just a tiny bit tender under my arm and my skin is a bit darker but no big deal. I also had a day last week and this week when I was really tired but most days are so much better than when I was going through chemo that I have nothing to complain about. While going through chemo, I was beginning to think I was just becoming a lazy person because it the tiredness went on for so long but now that chemo is over I am getting my energy back little by little. Some days I get a lot done but others not so much. The radiation doctor said that the radiation causes some tiredness also so when it is done I will be even better. I have been able to do more yard work, more sewing and more cleaning. I am so happy to not spend most of the day laying around.

I am almost done with one quilt for a grandson's birthday, have started another for a grandson for Christmas, and a few holiday pillow cases. My yard is almost done for winter and today I will clean for book club to come over. All in all, I am amazed at how good I feel for having cancer. It makes me nervous that I haven't "suffered enough" - maybe it will come back. The doctor says not but he can't know for sure. I still have the Herceptin infusions every three weeks until the end of April and five years of oral meds. This is really a long haul and no one else I know who has had cancer has had so much treatment so it better not come back or I will be so bummed out. Hopefully, after all this I won't get Alzheimer's too because I think I have had my share of trials in this life and I would rather die than get that disease.

But back to radiation, so far so good! I am happy with how my body has handled all it has gone through and hope it continues to respond well in the coming months and years.

Radiation Begins

Last week I was "mapped" for radiation. That means they tattooed 5 little dots on my chest and sides, took measurements, and took x rays. This week I went every day for radiation, which was very fast and efficient. So one week down and five more to go. It has taken only 45 minutes round trip, changing clothes, and radiation! I must admit it is annoying to have to go every day though. This first week I have not noticed any change in my skin but the doctor said it could take from two to three weeks for any discoloration, but I did buy some aloe to put on my skin as soon as I see an change so I don't get bad burns. The radiation burns are what I am most nervous about - they are ugly and painful from what I have heard from people who have gotten them but not everyone gets them. I hope I don't get them but I have the aloe to help and if that doesn't the doctor said he would give me a prescription for something stronger.

My oldest daughter and youngest son came over and helped with the yard work I needed done to prepare for winter. I have only a little left to do this fall and hopefully my energy will return to normal by spring and I can prepare my yard to look good for selling the house. Now I have a cold with sore throat, but I think it may take longer then usual to pass. I'll see since I haven't had any illness since all this started last March. I feel I have had an unusually easy time for all this treatment and hopefully it will continue. The nausea, body pain, and sleepiness has been minor compared to those I have talked with and read about - I am blessed to have gone through this so well.

Now I have to whip up a quilt top this month for a Christmas present so no time for sickness.

Chemo - Finito

So, last week was the last of the chemo infusions and the last of the neulasta shots. I thought prior to the day of infusion and the days of last week how happy I was. This weekend was a different matter. I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I may be done with the chemo but I still have 33 days of daily radiation, infusions of herceptin every three weeks until the end of next April and five years of hormone pills. If there is anything else they can do to you to prevent breast cancer I don't know about it and I have way more ahead than behind. I am trying to assure myself that at least my hair will grow back now and that starting this weekend my energy should start to come back. If it does, maybe I will start to feel better but right now I feel totally overwhelmed with the whole process and the incredible financial loss. Since the first day of meeting with my doctor I have heard nothing about finances.  Maybe if they would tell me more I would feel more hopeful but all I see in my future are bills. How do people with a recurrence do it? I also think that even with all this torment I will have a recurrence. Maybe that has to do with the fact that two neighbors have died from the recurrence of breast cancer, in fact, one last week. Enough wallowing in self pity.

I have had a good week with few after effects. Lots of sleep but no body pain and little nausea.  Hooray! I even slept thirteen hours one night - crazy. It has been sort of amusing to see how each session has been slightly different from the previous ones. I have had cravings each time. I guess that is because the terrible taste in my mouth allows me to only appreciate certain foods. I have craved skim milk for a couple weeks, chocolate milk a couple other weeks, real coke and Fresca a few other weeks. This week it was orange/lemonade.  A drink of the two mixed together. Today the crappy taste is starting to leave my mouth but after this week I vow to give up soda totally. If water will start to taste good again I can go to straight water - I used to love water until chemo came into my life.

I also go to see the surgeon for a follow up visit this week and next week I see the radiation doctor for mapping and the schedule of when the radiation will begin. Because radiation is daily I can't go anywhere and that is messing with my brain. I doubt I would want to go anywhere anyway since I have to care for my dad but knowing I can't makes me want to. Oh, the contrary brain that I have. I hope to start back with at least some classes at the gym to help my over those six weeks.

I have to start to do something to stop the thoughts of cancer and start the thoughts of happy. I have about six weeks to get my yard ready for winter so maybe that will make me happier. I hope to start that next week. I did only one little area of flowers this spring (in front of my bedroom window) and the rest is either weeds or mulch. I hope to get pansies and daffodils planted in the front yard and all the weeds pulled and maybe even some edging finished. I also have 2 quilts to finish before mid December. This Friday night I start making Christmas gifts at a craft class. I don't have the money this year to buy what I want for people so I am trying to be creative. Maybe creativity will be fun??!!