Glowing in the Dark?

I am done.  Well, at least done with the daily x rays and radiation I have been doing the last six weeks. My skin reaction didn't occur until I was about half way in and my skin started to be bright pink. I started putting aloe lotion on my skin and about a week later when I started to itch I used hydrocortisone cream. However, about a month into radiation I started to burn so got radiation cream to lessen the pain and the skin irritation. It really helped because I didn't get black skin like a couple of my friends did and now six days after the end of radiation my skin looks and feels pretty good. Not back to normal yet but doing very well - no pain, little white patches. Now I wonder if I glow in the dark while I sleep. That seemed like a lot of x rays and radiation.

I still have 5 months of herceptin infusions and the week after Thanksgiving I start my five years of aromatase inhibitor pills. I also had another bone density test this week and get another echocardiogram the end of the month. I need those every three months because the herceptin can effect the heart. I have started back to the gym two days a week for about an hour and next month hope to add another day per week. I need to lose about 50 pounds to lessen the chance of recurrence from what I have read on line and in cancer magazines. It is a never ending battle. When I was a young adult, my mother and I used to use black humor whenever one of us was sick and say "Oh, it is probably cancer." That way whatever it was would be the lesser of two evils. Now I can't say that - too bad my mother isn't here (and sane) to appreciate the irony.

My energy is coming back and I am getting so much more done almost every day than I have since May that my mood is happy too. Since mid October, I have been doing a lot of fall yard work, running errands, cleaning house, Christmas sewing, fun sewing and exercising and not huffing and puffing like I did while on treatment. The doctor said the radiation suppressed energy too, so I expect to keep getting better through the end of the year. I don't have to see the doctor until January so that makes me happy, too. My hair is growing back. In some places I am getting a lot more hair than I had before chemo: my fingers, my face, my legs. Unfortunately, I don't notice a lot MORE hair on my head and that is where I need it.

I hope I don't have to write about cancer again until next May when I am done with infusions and have my port removed and life is "normal" again.

Radiation - Will I Glow in the Future?

I am now half way through the radiation sessions. I have done 15 sessions with few side effects yet. It is annoying to have to drive to the cancer center every day, (I really love weekends now because I don't have to go) but I like it better than having cancer return.  I am just a tiny bit tender under my arm and my skin is a bit darker but no big deal. I also had a day last week and this week when I was really tired but most days are so much better than when I was going through chemo that I have nothing to complain about. While going through chemo, I was beginning to think I was just becoming a lazy person because it the tiredness went on for so long but now that chemo is over I am getting my energy back little by little. Some days I get a lot done but others not so much. The radiation doctor said that the radiation causes some tiredness also so when it is done I will be even better. I have been able to do more yard work, more sewing and more cleaning. I am so happy to not spend most of the day laying around.

I am almost done with one quilt for a grandson's birthday, have started another for a grandson for Christmas, and a few holiday pillow cases. My yard is almost done for winter and today I will clean for book club to come over. All in all, I am amazed at how good I feel for having cancer. It makes me nervous that I haven't "suffered enough" - maybe it will come back. The doctor says not but he can't know for sure. I still have the Herceptin infusions every three weeks until the end of April and five years of oral meds. This is really a long haul and no one else I know who has had cancer has had so much treatment so it better not come back or I will be so bummed out. Hopefully, after all this I won't get Alzheimer's too because I think I have had my share of trials in this life and I would rather die than get that disease.

But back to radiation, so far so good! I am happy with how my body has handled all it has gone through and hope it continues to respond well in the coming months and years.

Radiation Begins

Last week I was "mapped" for radiation. That means they tattooed 5 little dots on my chest and sides, took measurements, and took x rays. This week I went every day for radiation, which was very fast and efficient. So one week down and five more to go. It has taken only 45 minutes round trip, changing clothes, and radiation! I must admit it is annoying to have to go every day though. This first week I have not noticed any change in my skin but the doctor said it could take from two to three weeks for any discoloration, but I did buy some aloe to put on my skin as soon as I see an change so I don't get bad burns. The radiation burns are what I am most nervous about - they are ugly and painful from what I have heard from people who have gotten them but not everyone gets them. I hope I don't get them but I have the aloe to help and if that doesn't the doctor said he would give me a prescription for something stronger.

My oldest daughter and youngest son came over and helped with the yard work I needed done to prepare for winter. I have only a little left to do this fall and hopefully my energy will return to normal by spring and I can prepare my yard to look good for selling the house. Now I have a cold with sore throat, but I think it may take longer then usual to pass. I'll see since I haven't had any illness since all this started last March. I feel I have had an unusually easy time for all this treatment and hopefully it will continue. The nausea, body pain, and sleepiness has been minor compared to those I have talked with and read about - I am blessed to have gone through this so well.

Now I have to whip up a quilt top this month for a Christmas present so no time for sickness.

Chemo - Finito

So, last week was the last of the chemo infusions and the last of the neulasta shots. I thought prior to the day of infusion and the days of last week how happy I was. This weekend was a different matter. I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I may be done with the chemo but I still have 33 days of daily radiation, infusions of herceptin every three weeks until the end of next April and five years of hormone pills. If there is anything else they can do to you to prevent breast cancer I don't know about it and I have way more ahead than behind. I am trying to assure myself that at least my hair will grow back now and that starting this weekend my energy should start to come back. If it does, maybe I will start to feel better but right now I feel totally overwhelmed with the whole process and the incredible financial loss. Since the first day of meeting with my doctor I have heard nothing about finances.  Maybe if they would tell me more I would feel more hopeful but all I see in my future are bills. How do people with a recurrence do it? I also think that even with all this torment I will have a recurrence. Maybe that has to do with the fact that two neighbors have died from the recurrence of breast cancer, in fact, one last week. Enough wallowing in self pity.

I have had a good week with few after effects. Lots of sleep but no body pain and little nausea.  Hooray! I even slept thirteen hours one night - crazy. It has been sort of amusing to see how each session has been slightly different from the previous ones. I have had cravings each time. I guess that is because the terrible taste in my mouth allows me to only appreciate certain foods. I have craved skim milk for a couple weeks, chocolate milk a couple other weeks, real coke and Fresca a few other weeks. This week it was orange/lemonade.  A drink of the two mixed together. Today the crappy taste is starting to leave my mouth but after this week I vow to give up soda totally. If water will start to taste good again I can go to straight water - I used to love water until chemo came into my life.

I also go to see the surgeon for a follow up visit this week and next week I see the radiation doctor for mapping and the schedule of when the radiation will begin. Because radiation is daily I can't go anywhere and that is messing with my brain. I doubt I would want to go anywhere anyway since I have to care for my dad but knowing I can't makes me want to. Oh, the contrary brain that I have. I hope to start back with at least some classes at the gym to help my over those six weeks.

I have to start to do something to stop the thoughts of cancer and start the thoughts of happy. I have about six weeks to get my yard ready for winter so maybe that will make me happier. I hope to start that next week. I did only one little area of flowers this spring (in front of my bedroom window) and the rest is either weeds or mulch. I hope to get pansies and daffodils planted in the front yard and all the weeds pulled and maybe even some edging finished. I also have 2 quilts to finish before mid December. This Friday night I start making Christmas gifts at a craft class. I don't have the money this year to buy what I want for people so I am trying to be creative. Maybe creativity will be fun??!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am writing sooner after this chemo treatment than I did after the last one because I feel much better. I may have felt worse last time because I was trying to do too much too soon after my treatment. When I feel any nausea this time I just lie down and let it pass, or if it is at night I take a pill. I have had more trouble this time figuring out what I can stand to eat. The first four treatments were kind of like having cravings when pregnant. This time none of the food items that pleased me before were appealing to eat and I would just have to throw them out. My "go to" food this time was cold cereal with skim milk.  I would be lying in bed so hungry I couldn't sleep but every food I thought about made me sicker until I tried cold cereal. Maybe because there was no smell - I don't know - but it worked. So last night I took a pain pill so I could sleep through the Neulasta pain and had an awesome night's sleep of ten uninterrupted hours. Oh, Heavens! It was lovely.

Today I am going no where so I cleaned the bathroom and even that made me happy. Clean rooms are always a morale booster! I still have to pack away all the blankets from when my daughter's family was staying here but I want to sort the chest they are stored in so that will be later today or tomorrow. It will be a hot week so I will be doing very little outside since the heat and sun drain me of what little energy I have. After Friday my blood count should be on the rebound and I can tackle troublesome items next week.

On a bit of a side note: I don't think how I mentioned how I have become a shopper which is crazy for me. I have never been much of a shopper since I have such a limited income but since being diagnosed with cancer I figure why put off until tomorrow since there many not be many left. I have bought bedding, night clothes, under clothes, jeans, shirts, lamp, shoes, and fabric. I now have to make a conscious effort to stop since the chemo bills are rolling in and I need to make payments on those. The whole thing is crazy but I will see what happens when down with my treatments next June. Maybe I will go on another shopping spree then. How fun!

Another tidbit: The week before my last chemo treatment I went out to eat for my birthday with a friend before my tastebuds took another nose dive. I have given up wearing hats and scarves most of the time because it is so hot. I am bald - tough! It is what it is. Anyway, after we sat down a couple of ladies came over to us and said how pretty I looked. I was so startled that I almost didn't know what to say - but I did say "Thank you." Now, I know I don't look pretty - I didn't even have on makeup and I WAS bald but I thought that was kind of them. It is the fourth time someone has gone out of their way to compliment me since getting bald. I think they think it will make me feel better - and I think they are right in a way. I don't feel really bad about having cancer but it is nice that others are kind about it. Think of all the diseases I could have that people would not be kind about. I am always surprised when people are nice to me - I just assume others don't like me and so will ignore me but so many have been kind during this crazy time. People really are good and it has taught me to be a better person. too.

Third Down, Two to Go

Third down, two to go sounds like football talk to me but even better is that I only have two more sessions of chemo to go. I guess I should have written sooner but this lasts session was a little tougher than the first two. I had more gagging with nausea so I took anti-nausea pills for several days for the first time since I started chemo. That led to more napping. I hope the next session goes back to skipping the nausea. It is so funny that after they fill you with all the drugs anything that goes wrong I am told to fix it with more meds but in pill form. Nauseous = pill, pain = pill, constipated = pill, diarrhea = pill, not sleeping = pill. That is the list of what I have ingested so far. I hate taking meds and in my life I can count on one hand how many times I have been sick since eighteen. Now this cancer doozy for almost eighteen months from start to finish.

I am starting to get chemo bills and I am blown away by how much this costs. I am just talking about chemo and I have radiation to follow and a full year of herceptin.  Herceptin is so expensive and it is every three weeks for a year. If this stupid stuff comes back after this year of fighting I just might have surgery and stop at that. If you can't pay your bills what is the point of living to be realllllly old to torment your children. It really makes me madder than being sick. We all die at some point and although I really want to see all my grandchildren grow into adults I know my kids will do fine without me to help raise them. It is just a selfish wish to enjoy those sweet babies as long as I can.

Went to two movies in the last week and there was mention of cancer in both of them. In one a man is getting a divorce and his co-workers, when they find out about the divorce say, "At least it isn't cancer." I had to laugh because I thought the stress from getting a divorce and trying to support four kids was more stressful than cancer treatments. However, now that I am getting bills and am retired with a small retirement income I hope they take payments because the charges are more than I get each month. If they take payments I will get through this okay even if it takes a couple years.  But I do NOT want to do this again!

Halfway Point

I am halfway through with the chemo treatments. I have been so lucky to have very little nausea. After the first Neulasta shot, I learned to take pain pills for 2-3 days and just sleep the pain away. After that first week my main symptom has been lack of energy. I am not sure most of the time if it is the drugs or just my accepting of being lazy. The doctor says the drugs but I am not so sure during the third week. However, I know that I get tired and sleep more now than before drugs. It will be interesting to see how my energy comes back when I am through with the drugs.

This past week has been the third week (the week before another infusion) and I actually did more yard work that just cutting and trimming the grass. Twice I was out in the garden area pulling weeds and doing toppings. The following day after doing the yard work, I would be so tired I would take at least one nap and go to bed for 9-10 hours. So I have to pace my expectations as well as my work schedule. One the days when I am working in the house and not sleeping. I have started a quilt. I think I may actually get it done about the time I am done with the chemo. I hope to have a garage sale before summer ends to rid my house of all the excess "stuff" I have accumulated. I need the help of two of my children to help with that event so it may not come off and then again it might.

The most interesting event since the last chemo was I had a day of depression where I was a bit overwhelmed that I have 6 1/2 weeks of radiation when I finish this chemo crap, and then until late next May for Herceptin infusions. Twelve months of infusions every three weeks is just so overwhelming when I think about it for a person who never has been sick. But I put it behind me and decided not to think of the whole thing but just one event at a time. Besides the Herceptin isn't supposed to make me sick or tired. Can you imagine being this tired for 12 months! Better than dead, I always say. (That is supposed to be funny!)