Glowing in the Dark?

I am done.  Well, at least done with the daily x rays and radiation I have been doing the last six weeks. My skin reaction didn't occur until I was about half way in and my skin started to be bright pink. I started putting aloe lotion on my skin and about a week later when I started to itch I used hydrocortisone cream. However, about a month into radiation I started to burn so got radiation cream to lessen the pain and the skin irritation. It really helped because I didn't get black skin like a couple of my friends did and now six days after the end of radiation my skin looks and feels pretty good. Not back to normal yet but doing very well - no pain, little white patches. Now I wonder if I glow in the dark while I sleep. That seemed like a lot of x rays and radiation.

I still have 5 months of herceptin infusions and the week after Thanksgiving I start my five years of aromatase inhibitor pills. I also had another bone density test this week and get another echocardiogram the end of the month. I need those every three months because the herceptin can effect the heart. I have started back to the gym two days a week for about an hour and next month hope to add another day per week. I need to lose about 50 pounds to lessen the chance of recurrence from what I have read on line and in cancer magazines. It is a never ending battle. When I was a young adult, my mother and I used to use black humor whenever one of us was sick and say "Oh, it is probably cancer." That way whatever it was would be the lesser of two evils. Now I can't say that - too bad my mother isn't here (and sane) to appreciate the irony.

My energy is coming back and I am getting so much more done almost every day than I have since May that my mood is happy too. Since mid October, I have been doing a lot of fall yard work, running errands, cleaning house, Christmas sewing, fun sewing and exercising and not huffing and puffing like I did while on treatment. The doctor said the radiation suppressed energy too, so I expect to keep getting better through the end of the year. I don't have to see the doctor until January so that makes me happy, too. My hair is growing back. In some places I am getting a lot more hair than I had before chemo: my fingers, my face, my legs. Unfortunately, I don't notice a lot MORE hair on my head and that is where I need it.

I hope I don't have to write about cancer again until next May when I am done with infusions and have my port removed and life is "normal" again.

Radiation - Will I Glow in the Future?

I am now half way through the radiation sessions. I have done 15 sessions with few side effects yet. It is annoying to have to drive to the cancer center every day, (I really love weekends now because I don't have to go) but I like it better than having cancer return.  I am just a tiny bit tender under my arm and my skin is a bit darker but no big deal. I also had a day last week and this week when I was really tired but most days are so much better than when I was going through chemo that I have nothing to complain about. While going through chemo, I was beginning to think I was just becoming a lazy person because it the tiredness went on for so long but now that chemo is over I am getting my energy back little by little. Some days I get a lot done but others not so much. The radiation doctor said that the radiation causes some tiredness also so when it is done I will be even better. I have been able to do more yard work, more sewing and more cleaning. I am so happy to not spend most of the day laying around.

I am almost done with one quilt for a grandson's birthday, have started another for a grandson for Christmas, and a few holiday pillow cases. My yard is almost done for winter and today I will clean for book club to come over. All in all, I am amazed at how good I feel for having cancer. It makes me nervous that I haven't "suffered enough" - maybe it will come back. The doctor says not but he can't know for sure. I still have the Herceptin infusions every three weeks until the end of April and five years of oral meds. This is really a long haul and no one else I know who has had cancer has had so much treatment so it better not come back or I will be so bummed out. Hopefully, after all this I won't get Alzheimer's too because I think I have had my share of trials in this life and I would rather die than get that disease.

But back to radiation, so far so good! I am happy with how my body has handled all it has gone through and hope it continues to respond well in the coming months and years.

Radiation Begins

Last week I was "mapped" for radiation. That means they tattooed 5 little dots on my chest and sides, took measurements, and took x rays. This week I went every day for radiation, which was very fast and efficient. So one week down and five more to go. It has taken only 45 minutes round trip, changing clothes, and radiation! I must admit it is annoying to have to go every day though. This first week I have not noticed any change in my skin but the doctor said it could take from two to three weeks for any discoloration, but I did buy some aloe to put on my skin as soon as I see an change so I don't get bad burns. The radiation burns are what I am most nervous about - they are ugly and painful from what I have heard from people who have gotten them but not everyone gets them. I hope I don't get them but I have the aloe to help and if that doesn't the doctor said he would give me a prescription for something stronger.

My oldest daughter and youngest son came over and helped with the yard work I needed done to prepare for winter. I have only a little left to do this fall and hopefully my energy will return to normal by spring and I can prepare my yard to look good for selling the house. Now I have a cold with sore throat, but I think it may take longer then usual to pass. I'll see since I haven't had any illness since all this started last March. I feel I have had an unusually easy time for all this treatment and hopefully it will continue. The nausea, body pain, and sleepiness has been minor compared to those I have talked with and read about - I am blessed to have gone through this so well.

Now I have to whip up a quilt top this month for a Christmas present so no time for sickness.

Chemo - Finito

So, last week was the last of the chemo infusions and the last of the neulasta shots. I thought prior to the day of infusion and the days of last week how happy I was. This weekend was a different matter. I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I may be done with the chemo but I still have 33 days of daily radiation, infusions of herceptin every three weeks until the end of next April and five years of hormone pills. If there is anything else they can do to you to prevent breast cancer I don't know about it and I have way more ahead than behind. I am trying to assure myself that at least my hair will grow back now and that starting this weekend my energy should start to come back. If it does, maybe I will start to feel better but right now I feel totally overwhelmed with the whole process and the incredible financial loss. Since the first day of meeting with my doctor I have heard nothing about finances.  Maybe if they would tell me more I would feel more hopeful but all I see in my future are bills. How do people with a recurrence do it? I also think that even with all this torment I will have a recurrence. Maybe that has to do with the fact that two neighbors have died from the recurrence of breast cancer, in fact, one last week. Enough wallowing in self pity.

I have had a good week with few after effects. Lots of sleep but no body pain and little nausea.  Hooray! I even slept thirteen hours one night - crazy. It has been sort of amusing to see how each session has been slightly different from the previous ones. I have had cravings each time. I guess that is because the terrible taste in my mouth allows me to only appreciate certain foods. I have craved skim milk for a couple weeks, chocolate milk a couple other weeks, real coke and Fresca a few other weeks. This week it was orange/lemonade.  A drink of the two mixed together. Today the crappy taste is starting to leave my mouth but after this week I vow to give up soda totally. If water will start to taste good again I can go to straight water - I used to love water until chemo came into my life.

I also go to see the surgeon for a follow up visit this week and next week I see the radiation doctor for mapping and the schedule of when the radiation will begin. Because radiation is daily I can't go anywhere and that is messing with my brain. I doubt I would want to go anywhere anyway since I have to care for my dad but knowing I can't makes me want to. Oh, the contrary brain that I have. I hope to start back with at least some classes at the gym to help my over those six weeks.

I have to start to do something to stop the thoughts of cancer and start the thoughts of happy. I have about six weeks to get my yard ready for winter so maybe that will make me happier. I hope to start that next week. I did only one little area of flowers this spring (in front of my bedroom window) and the rest is either weeds or mulch. I hope to get pansies and daffodils planted in the front yard and all the weeds pulled and maybe even some edging finished. I also have 2 quilts to finish before mid December. This Friday night I start making Christmas gifts at a craft class. I don't have the money this year to buy what I want for people so I am trying to be creative. Maybe creativity will be fun??!!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am writing sooner after this chemo treatment than I did after the last one because I feel much better. I may have felt worse last time because I was trying to do too much too soon after my treatment. When I feel any nausea this time I just lie down and let it pass, or if it is at night I take a pill. I have had more trouble this time figuring out what I can stand to eat. The first four treatments were kind of like having cravings when pregnant. This time none of the food items that pleased me before were appealing to eat and I would just have to throw them out. My "go to" food this time was cold cereal with skim milk.  I would be lying in bed so hungry I couldn't sleep but every food I thought about made me sicker until I tried cold cereal. Maybe because there was no smell - I don't know - but it worked. So last night I took a pain pill so I could sleep through the Neulasta pain and had an awesome night's sleep of ten uninterrupted hours. Oh, Heavens! It was lovely.

Today I am going no where so I cleaned the bathroom and even that made me happy. Clean rooms are always a morale booster! I still have to pack away all the blankets from when my daughter's family was staying here but I want to sort the chest they are stored in so that will be later today or tomorrow. It will be a hot week so I will be doing very little outside since the heat and sun drain me of what little energy I have. After Friday my blood count should be on the rebound and I can tackle troublesome items next week.

On a bit of a side note: I don't think how I mentioned how I have become a shopper which is crazy for me. I have never been much of a shopper since I have such a limited income but since being diagnosed with cancer I figure why put off until tomorrow since there many not be many left. I have bought bedding, night clothes, under clothes, jeans, shirts, lamp, shoes, and fabric. I now have to make a conscious effort to stop since the chemo bills are rolling in and I need to make payments on those. The whole thing is crazy but I will see what happens when down with my treatments next June. Maybe I will go on another shopping spree then. How fun!

Another tidbit: The week before my last chemo treatment I went out to eat for my birthday with a friend before my tastebuds took another nose dive. I have given up wearing hats and scarves most of the time because it is so hot. I am bald - tough! It is what it is. Anyway, after we sat down a couple of ladies came over to us and said how pretty I looked. I was so startled that I almost didn't know what to say - but I did say "Thank you." Now, I know I don't look pretty - I didn't even have on makeup and I WAS bald but I thought that was kind of them. It is the fourth time someone has gone out of their way to compliment me since getting bald. I think they think it will make me feel better - and I think they are right in a way. I don't feel really bad about having cancer but it is nice that others are kind about it. Think of all the diseases I could have that people would not be kind about. I am always surprised when people are nice to me - I just assume others don't like me and so will ignore me but so many have been kind during this crazy time. People really are good and it has taught me to be a better person. too.

Third Down, Two to Go

Third down, two to go sounds like football talk to me but even better is that I only have two more sessions of chemo to go. I guess I should have written sooner but this lasts session was a little tougher than the first two. I had more gagging with nausea so I took anti-nausea pills for several days for the first time since I started chemo. That led to more napping. I hope the next session goes back to skipping the nausea. It is so funny that after they fill you with all the drugs anything that goes wrong I am told to fix it with more meds but in pill form. Nauseous = pill, pain = pill, constipated = pill, diarrhea = pill, not sleeping = pill. That is the list of what I have ingested so far. I hate taking meds and in my life I can count on one hand how many times I have been sick since eighteen. Now this cancer doozy for almost eighteen months from start to finish.

I am starting to get chemo bills and I am blown away by how much this costs. I am just talking about chemo and I have radiation to follow and a full year of herceptin.  Herceptin is so expensive and it is every three weeks for a year. If this stupid stuff comes back after this year of fighting I just might have surgery and stop at that. If you can't pay your bills what is the point of living to be realllllly old to torment your children. It really makes me madder than being sick. We all die at some point and although I really want to see all my grandchildren grow into adults I know my kids will do fine without me to help raise them. It is just a selfish wish to enjoy those sweet babies as long as I can.

Went to two movies in the last week and there was mention of cancer in both of them. In one a man is getting a divorce and his co-workers, when they find out about the divorce say, "At least it isn't cancer." I had to laugh because I thought the stress from getting a divorce and trying to support four kids was more stressful than cancer treatments. However, now that I am getting bills and am retired with a small retirement income I hope they take payments because the charges are more than I get each month. If they take payments I will get through this okay even if it takes a couple years.  But I do NOT want to do this again!

Halfway Point

I am halfway through with the chemo treatments. I have been so lucky to have very little nausea. After the first Neulasta shot, I learned to take pain pills for 2-3 days and just sleep the pain away. After that first week my main symptom has been lack of energy. I am not sure most of the time if it is the drugs or just my accepting of being lazy. The doctor says the drugs but I am not so sure during the third week. However, I know that I get tired and sleep more now than before drugs. It will be interesting to see how my energy comes back when I am through with the drugs.

This past week has been the third week (the week before another infusion) and I actually did more yard work that just cutting and trimming the grass. Twice I was out in the garden area pulling weeds and doing toppings. The following day after doing the yard work, I would be so tired I would take at least one nap and go to bed for 9-10 hours. So I have to pace my expectations as well as my work schedule. One the days when I am working in the house and not sleeping. I have started a quilt. I think I may actually get it done about the time I am done with the chemo. I hope to have a garage sale before summer ends to rid my house of all the excess "stuff" I have accumulated. I need the help of two of my children to help with that event so it may not come off and then again it might.

The most interesting event since the last chemo was I had a day of depression where I was a bit overwhelmed that I have 6 1/2 weeks of radiation when I finish this chemo crap, and then until late next May for Herceptin infusions. Twelve months of infusions every three weeks is just so overwhelming when I think about it for a person who never has been sick. But I put it behind me and decided not to think of the whole thing but just one event at a time. Besides the Herceptin isn't supposed to make me sick or tired. Can you imagine being this tired for 12 months! Better than dead, I always say. (That is supposed to be funny!)

Chemo, Second Go-Around

My goal was to blog the day of chemo but I got too busy this second session and then too miserable. Anyway, the first week after my first chemo session I had a hard time sleeping well for some reason, but especially with the body aches from the Neulasta shot. But in total it was not too bad except by week two sleeping was a hard thing to achieve. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a night most nights. My hair started to fall out on day 15. I went to have it shaved off when I got a hand full of hair while I was trying to wash it. THAT was surprisingly traumatic! Two swipes of the clippers and I was sobbing! I thought it was because I was vain but the next day I figured out it was because now the sign that I had cancer was soooo obvious! I have lost my privacy! THAT is what was troubling me. I am over it now. It is what it is and there is nothing to do but get through it!

I was actually looking forward to the second chemo session because the doctor gave me some sleep aids and I was determined to get enough sleep this time through. I am getting such great sleep this time that last night I slept 12 hours. But the worst thing about this cancer thing so far isn't the chemo and losing my hair but that Neulast shot. First of all, the cost: it is outrageous! But, worst of all is the pain throughout your body starting a few hours after getting the shot. This time I used pain pills to get me through. So that helped the pain and the sleep. It was a double bonus.

Also, your body is no longer normal. The first week after the chemo sessions I have gotten constipation and then diarrhea for the next two weeks. I never have those problems but the chemicals do strange things to my whole body. This has happened for both of these chemo sessions. Again, add more drugs to the mix to fix those problems. Five days after chemo was Father's Day and I planned a nice dinner and homemade cake. It was a hard day. I was exhausted just trying to bake the cake and cook the main dish so we improvised and had frosted cake the next day. I won't plan big dinners any more for 2 weeks after chemo. Next chemo is day before my son's birthday so we will celebrate it on July 4th instead. I just do what I can do and refuse to be upset or make myself more miserable.

I have bought a cute hat and scarf to wear to church or any dress up event. I bought several head covers and a couple scarves for other days. I was given a couple by some friends, too. If it is hot around the house I am just baldish. I am not completely bald yet but pretty thin and patchy.

I am having my blood build up week next week (the third week) so I am going to visit my oldest son and my grandson for a week before I have to go through this again. I didn't think I would be able to travel while going through this so I am excited to do this trip. It has now been 10 days since my last treatment and I hope to be feeling better each day from today until my next treatment.

Maybe next post I will have a picture of me with and without hair.

The Houses of My Life

As of today I have been in this house for twenty years. Twenty years! That is so awesome and amazing considering the longest I had been in a house in my life, prior to this house, was five and a half years. Once my life was in my hands I put down roots - 20 year roots! But I am ready mentally to move now. It will be at least another year or two before that happens but I am ready to move on.

So, last night as I was thinking about twenty years (20!) here, I started thinking about all the other places I have lived in my life that I can remember. I decided that would be an interesting "historical" post about my life and how it formed me into who I have become. Some of the moves I made were very emotional and took me a long time to get over the trauma of the move. Others meant nothing as is usually the case with children, and other were happy moves, of course.

The first home I remember living in was the basement of my Uncle Gordon and Aunt Helen's home. It was after WWII and we were living there until sometime after my brother, Allan, was born. I can remember falling asleep in the back seat of the family car one night on the way home from an outing and as my mother carried Allan into the house I feinted sleep and waited for my dad to pick me up and carry me into the house. I had been the baby for 3 years and still wanted a touch of the attention I had gotten before Allan was born. I was crushed when he woke me up and made me walk into the house and get ready for bed. Allan's birth and that ride home are my only memories of that home.

The next home we had was the upstairs of my Grandma/Grandpa Miller's house. It was a two bedroom apartment that she could rent out as one or two rentals. She and Grandpa rented it as a one bedroom to us and my uncle, Daniel, used the second bedroom as his room. I don't know how long we were there but my memories here were of my bed having stars on the ceiling that glowed when you first turned out the lights at night. I loved that. I remember playing with Allan in our kitchen when he was in his low chair. Also, Danny used to tease me a lot when I was downstairs in Grandma's kitchen. I remember the family laughing but at the time I didn't think it was funny when he would hold my toys or balloons above my head in the same way people tease kids today. The other memory I had of the apartment was at Christmas we hung up stockings and we all laughed when my mother hung one of her nylons so she would get more treats. She was only 21 so that totally makes sense to me now and still makes me laugh.

Then came the 2 bedroom quonset hut that was made available for GIs after the war. We moved there when I was 4 or 5 because it was there that I began kindergarten. I also started dancing lessons while in that house. I remember we had a big kitchen fire while living in that place and had our pictures in the paper for it. Must have been a really slow news day! I lived there through kindergarten and at least part of first grade but maybe longer. There was a big field across the street where the neighbor kids would play and I remember the ice truck slowly driving down the streets waiting for the ladies to get their ice for the ice boxes. In the summer they would throw up chips of ice as we followed. One day I had on brand new shoes that I was so proud of. My parents hadn't wanted me to have them because they were slip on penny loafers but I dearly loved them so they finally gave in. I hadn't even had them for a week when one day a "big" mean dog was scaring Allan and me in front of our yard. To be the big brave sister I kicked at the dog, and my shoe came off, the dog picked it up and ran away with it never to be seen again. Man, did I get a tongue lashing for that one! One day, Allan locked himself in the bathroom at this place and someone had to finally break the window and crawl in and unlock the door from the inside to get him out. This was the house where the two of us went through many childhood illnesses also.

Sometime while in the quonset hut my parents separated for a while. I don't know where dad went but we went to live with my Aunt Nellie for a few months. I would walk to school with her boys and slept with my mother in a big bed in one bedroom while Allan was in the crib in another bedroom. I loved her house because it had a sleeping porch upstairs and that seemed magical to me - even though it was winter and no one slept there in the winter. I remember going to sleep at night reciting "The Night Before Christmas" poem to my mother until I knew it perfectly.

It seems to me the next place was a one bedroom apartment on Robert (?) Street. Again, I remember going to school but Allan had a babysitter when both parents worked. It was a basement apartment and the laundry room was nearby and I can remember playing in there while wet clothes hung over head to dry. I had a very close friend in another apartment that I would go to school with and we would often get to play together. I was so sad when we moved and I was never able to see her again.

I think it was after this that my parents split up again and we went to live with my mother's mother and her husband. My mother and Allan slept in the big bed downstairs. I shared a big bed with my Granny in the upstairs bedroom. Her husband, Les, slept in a little bed in the storage room. I believe I was in third grade while we were here. I remember we started to learn to write cursive and it was so much fun. We weren't here long but when we moved, we moved to a 3 room converted chicken coop.

I think the chicken coop was in Lake Elmo but it seemed so far out into the country. It had one bedroom, a chemical toilet that my dad had to empty each day into the outhouse, and only the kitchen sink for all cooking and washing. Allan and I shared bunk beds then but I remember we could hardly move in the bedroom with beds for us all and the rest of the furniture. But we had a front screened porch and I used to play school with Allan and try to teach him what I had learned at school. I even had a little chalk board that I loved. The school here was a two roomed school that had 3 grades per room. When I moved to that school the kids in my class had already learned cursive so the teacher said I had to learn on my own and catch up by practicing. I was terrible and felt so stupid because I couldn't always read what was on the board. I think that was the school where Allan started first grade when I went into fourth. We also had a huge garden that I had to spend time helping to weed the summer we were there. We had lots of strawberries that summer.

Wedding/Birthday/Easter Weekend

I know I am late with the post of this busy weekend but I am still having trouble figuring out how to turn the pictures and I didn't even get all the ones I wanted. But I have to start to figure this out and I will go back later and fix or eliminate!

To start the busy weekend we had Beth and Aaron's wedding. They were a happy couple as were all of us who attended. They were wed at the court house at 11:00 in the morning and all of our family was there except Ryan and Nathan who were on a plane in route. Aaron's mother was the only one who was able to make it from their family.
I wish I could figure out how to turn the picture. This is Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Ebenal. Beth dressed for a party! and Aaron for the backyard festivities that were to come in the afternoon.

Saturday was Sarah's birthday and in the morning we had an Easter Egg Dive. The pool had eggs in the water and the kids retrieved them according to ages. I thought I had gotten a picture of each child but I guess not. Here is Courtney showing Kyle where the eggs were at the bottom of the pool. Luckily some floated!

Here is Kaven trying to swim to a better spot to recover some eggs.

I thought this was Courtney and Aaron but now I think it is another of her and Kyle.

Here is the birthday girl, Sarah with some of her stash of eggs. At the end they turned the eggs in for candy. It was like Halloween they got so much candy.

In the afternoon I took the kids to get "cousins" pictures. Unfortunately, Aaron's son, Logan, wasn't able to come from California so he is missing. Maybe next get-together.

In the Beginning.

So yes, I still have cancer. No miracle occurred to take it away. Although I must be honest that was never part of my prayers and it really didn't dawn on me until now that I hadn't prayed for that. I just prayed for the strength to get through each procedure as they came up. And then of course, I spent the night before each not sleeping - just a bundle of nerves. The procedures were never bad enough to lose the sleep but that is how my nerves work - if only I couldn't eat instead of not being able to sleep, the benefit would be so much better.

Today was my first chemo infusion. They told me it would be about 3 hours - it was 5. Thank goodness it wasn't all chemo infusion. After I had the blood draws (extra ones too because I am being good and taking part in a BYU study and research on cancer) through the port (I LOVE THAT THING!) this cute older lady sat next to me. She had the same cancer I did and the same drugs but this was her last infusion of Herceptin, so she had been at this the full year. She gave me so much info about what it was like for her and showed me her stubbly hair that was growing in slowly but surely. It made me feel better. After she left a guy sat there and he too was on his last treatment but for a different cancer so his drugs and reactions were different. People there at the center are so kind and sharing - both patients, nurses, and attendants. I asked a lot of questions of my nurse and he had the patience to answer them all. After he left I wrote all the answers down so when I wondered again I could look them up.

So here was today's program:

1. I put numbing cream on the port at home so it would be good and numb before they put the needle in. (The port is under the skin so Alex said I looked like an alien. It is in a triangle and has 3 bumps you can feel and they insert the needle into it and then everything is done on the IV line that is attached.) But you would feel the needle if you didn't use the numbing cream.

2. They weigh you, take your temp and BP each time you go into the office to monitor you and not take anything for granted.

3. Once I am in my "lounging" chair they draw blood to check that my blood cells are ok for chemo. Plus today they drew the extra ones for the BYU study. (Chalk one up for me being a good blood sharer since I can never donate blood again) They check those before starting any infusion to make sure my red and white cell count is good. There is something else they are checking for but that won't be back until tomorrow and they call me with that info. I don't remember what that was for - my note taking missed that one. They were sure today I would be good since it was my first time, but you never know down the road so they will check again in 2 weeks and again at my next chemo appointment.

4. Then they flush the port out to prepare to start infusions.

5. They first infusion today was Dexamethasone. I also took it in pill form yesterday, today and tomorrow. That was for an hour and is for nausea. Plus I have extra nausea pills to use as needed (2 prescriptions- Think they think I might get nausea?)

6. Next is the infusion of Herceptin for an hour. That is because I have the HER2 receptor and I have to get this every 3 weeks for a year.

7. Then they hit the big guns: Taxotere and Carboplatin. Those are separate infusions but total about 1 1/2 hours one right after the other.

8. They flush the port again and I am off for home.

The nurse, Doug, said I have a few hours before the nausea will hit this first time, but that each time will be different as the drugs all build up in my body. That is why I am doing the post before I spend my time with my head in a bucket. Bonnie was cute, she said it was a hard way to diet but she lost 40 pounds. I could only wish - I will probable gain!

Tomorrow I have to go back and get a shot of something I didn't write down today but will tomorrow, that helps build the white cells up to prepare my for my next session in 3 weeks. Bonnie gently told me she thinks that shot is $8000.00 per time. I hope she is wrong and that my insurance is good!

Alex and Beth are so good about helping me when I need it. Alex went to work late to take me to the hospital today but Beth picked me up and is taking me again tomorrow. I can no longer lift heavy objects (like bags of dirt and ground cover) because the port can move and then I have bigger problems so they are helping me get that spread around so I can plant when I have the energy. I am so determined to eck out 30 to 60 minutes a day after the nausea goes away. But we'll see - I am pretty lazy when I have a good excuse or can make up a good excuse or can get away with a poor excuse. My friend, Susan, is taking over cleaning the church this coming week, so cancer is my excuse for that. Beth is bringing over chicken soup for dad and I tomorrow or the next day - depending on how sick I get.

All in all, considering what this is and that it still seems surreal. It was a good 2 days. Boy that even seems surreal to say that. But then I am not nauseous or tired yet. Then the reality will hit I bet.

Kathleen and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I have cancer. I HAVE CANCER! I have cancer? What a crock! My doctor called me late yesterday afternoon as I was having a lovely nap and gave me the news. What a terrible way to wake from a lovely nap snuggled under the covers in my bed. I must admit I wasn't terribly surprised - I had a biopsy on Tuesday and really thought it would be cancer. I have breast cancer in my right breast. Crap, it couldn't even be on the left side? I had the meeting with the boob doctor today and decided to have a lumpectomy on Tuesday. It is done on an outpatient basis - in and out - the lump and me from LDS Hospital.

I couldn't feel anything, when I had my physical last month my regular doctor didn't feel it, and the boob doctor couldn't either. After two sets of mammograms, and two ultasounds she saw it and I had the biopsy on Tuesday and got the results yesterday, Wednesday. After thinking about it for a while I went to Beth's and told her. It was surreal to verbalize that I had cancer. It still seems unreal. Today I told my friend Susan, my trainer Peggy, Alex, and now I have to call Courtney and tomorrow night I will try to reach Ryan. I wasn't going to tell anyone until after the surgery but I need transportation so I had to tell someone and then I thought how mad I would be if my children didn't tell me if it happened to them. I am not going to let anyone else know until after the surgery though. I will be fine and don't need people bringing food. I have already eaten about 2000 calories in candy since yesterday afternoon.

The prognosis is very positive for what we know at this time. As far as the doctor can tell no lymph nodes are affected. It is an aggressive tumor but we caught it very early. We will know more after the surgery and lab results are in of course. Then on to the oncologist for info on radiation and/or chemo. It is all unpleasant and too bad it happened in the spring, my favorite time of year to work in the yard! I was hoping to do a lot of yard work but may have to take it easy on that. Maybe I can postpone the follow up treatments until July when I don't want to be in the yard much.

I haven't cried really - just a bit the first time I had to say the words to Beth. It was so unreal that verbalizing it was shocking. I know I will be well in the long run and so grateful that it was found early. I look forward to this being behind me. I am only emotional when I think of telling my kids. I am not going to tell the little grandkids or my dad. The little kids would worry for no reason when I am going to okay in the long run and my dad will just cry. I may have to tell him if I get really sick on the treatments though. I will deal with whatever comes up; I always do in one way or another.

What's Your Name, Baby?

A few days ago, a friend and I were discussing our names and those we had chosen for our children and why we had chosen them. I thought it would be interesting to jot it down here for those of my family who may not know or me to remember when I am in my dotage. So for what it is worth, here is a tidbit of my naming history.

My heritage is German with a bit of English thrown in to balance it out. My Grandmother Miller's name was Katherine. A fine name for one of either heritage, but hers was German, and she was always called Kate as I recall. Anyway, my mother liked that name but not the woman so much, so she decided to call me Kathleen. A fine Irish name of which I have no claim of heritage. She also called me Kathleen and thought that since she did no one else would have the audacity to call me anything else. She obviously forgot my father since he was away fighting in the war and only wrote to her. But the war ended and he came home, whereupon, he briskly called me Katrina (German) or Kathy, both to her dismay and displeasure. However, being a stubborn German, (I know, that is a stereotype, but knowing my dad, apt.) he persisted and she relented. I was known then and forever as Kathy. However, the most interesting part of this to me is that I have never felt like a Kathy - even as a young child. I feel like a Kathleen and I like how Kathleen looks written out. The end of all this about myself is that it would have made more sense to me to just name me Katherine to honor my heritage and still the nickname would have been the same.

My children:

I wanted my children to have names that were not so common that there would be several in their classrooms at school with the same name. That was often the case as I grew up and I still experience multiple Kathys wherever I go. When teaching there were five of us at working at the school, in church there are four, and while attending school there were always more that three per classroom. So while having a sure knowledge that I wanted my first born son to have my maiden name as his middle name, we had a hard time finding a name to agree on. I didn't have the benefit of being alone as my mother had been in choosing a name since my husband lived in the same house with me every day. One day while driving home from work I passed a business with a huge name sign and logo in front that said "Miller Ryan and Associates" or Company or something like that. Bingo - both my husband and I agreed on reversing that and we had a name: Ryan Miller Curtis. Back in those days we couldn't find out until the birth what sex the child was so we had an alternate name for a girl, Amy (after a character in Little Women) Kathleen Curtis. That was easier, I liked it and my husband didn't object. On August 31 Ryan Miller Curtis was born. Five years later the name was almost as common as Kathy had been for me as a child. But at least not while he was in school - he was five years ahead of the name game.

Almost 2 1/2 years later we were struggling with names again. This time I was sure I was having a girl so I don't even remember what name we picked out for a boy but it was probably Alex. My first choice for a girl had been Megan ever since I read that name in a story and as an homage to Meg in Little Women since I hated the name Margaret. That was totally not agreeable to my husband. He also wasn't so sure about the next name I wanted for a girl but when she was born very early in the morning I think he wanted sleep more than an argument so he agreed on Courtney but wanted to pick the middle name. I was so happy to have a Courtney I quickly agreed. I thought it was the name of an old girl friend of his, although he denied it, but I didn't even care since it was pretty. My Courtney Melissa Curtis was born on May 7. Such a pretty name but it took at least ten years for it to become popular much to her dismay. She always wanted to find items with her name on them and it was so obscure we couldn't until she was an adult. I made her a pair of jeans once and put her name on the back pocket where the logo should have gone and that somewhat appeased her.

A bit over a year later we were working on the names for another child. Again as a big fan of the book Little Women I wanted a Bethany we could call Beth. My husband hated the name Bethany but liked Elizabeth and agreed we could call her Beth. Once again the male name was Alex. I only wish I had spelled it Elisabeth at the time, but on March 30 Elizabeth Kay Curtis was born. I wanted to name her after myself (but of course!) but thought Elizabeth Kathleen Curtis was just too much and I didn't want just an initial so went for Kay in place of Kathleen. Because her first name was so old fashioned we didn't give her my old fashioned middle name, Mae, although that too would have been short. Funny thing was though, her Grandfather Curtis periodically would call her Elizabeth Mae - guess we could have just gone with that. Beth had what I thought was a most common name (Elizabeth) at the time of her birth but names were going in the direction of unusual at that time so she never had other kids with the name Beth in her classes. They may have had the proper name but not the shortened Beth.

Finally, almost four years later, pregnant with my last child we were in the name game again. I really wanted Noah by this time but again was nixed on that name. Luckily we still had Alex on the brain for a boy and although we considered Alexander for a moment, we knew we wouldn't call him that so why make that his name. Had he been a girl he would have been Carrie Kathleen. No Little Women reference this time. His middle name we agreed would be after his father. On July 6 Alex Veral Curtis was born. Now both Alex and I wish we had chosen a different middle name, he won't even tell people his middle name unless required by law. I wish I had given him the same middle name as Ryan. But it was just a few years later that Alex was very common. With all the trouble we went to with names in the end it just didn't seem to matter. Find one you like and don't worry about the popularity.

Things That Make Me Happy

It is a happy new year and I decided to start the year with a list of the first 100 things on my list of happy things. I guess it is somewhat of a gratitude list too but these things make me happy so that is what I am going with today.

1. Organized the stack of drawers in my “new” office.

2. Went to “Keep Moving” class at gym and am now exhausted but satisfied that this is a class I need.

3. Quilt class was fun socially and we are almost done with our quilt top.

4. Dad had out patient surgery and came through well but a bit “butt” sore.

5. Went walking, even though I am still sore from Tuesday’s class at gym.

6. Cut and trimmed the front yard.

7. Wrapped and boxed ready to ship baby blankets and burp cloths I made for Courtney’s baby.

8. Did some cleaning inside the house.

9. Think I have finished cutting the yard for the winter.

10. Scheduled a guy to aerate the lawn tomorrow.

11. Planted pansies for winter and spring.

12. Bought quilt backing for 2 quilts – 30% off!

13. Rained, so didn’t do any outside work.

14. Took half a day to catch up with my TIVO viewing.

15. Cleaned my bedroom and bathroom sparkly clean and neat at least for a couple of days.

16. Cooked a good and healthy dinner.

17. Slept in and got up when I wanted to not when I should have or needed to.

18. 36 hours went by without me having to get into the car!

19. Tried a new soup recipe on this snowy day and it turned out good except too spicy for dad.

20. Got new pictures of Courtney’s kids and her family picture.

21. Got a surprise gift of my favorite candy bars (Nut Goodie) from my niece, Adrienne, in Minnesota.

22. Getting the Kindle from Alex, which holds books and music.

23. Climbing into a bed made up with freshly washed mattress pad and sheets.

24. I LOVE my TIVO !

25. A freshly painted office ready to organize.

26. Lunch and good conversation with friends.

27. Getting the yard completely ready for winter.

28. Connected to my “old” friend Richard on Facebook. We have known each other for 47 years.

29. Completely retired for a full year now and still so happy with the decision.

30. Finished getting Alex’s yard ready for winter. No major yard work for 5-6 months. Yaa!

31. So thankful for the opportunity to get old!

32. First big snowfall of the season!

33. Having a snow blower to clean the deep, heavy snow.

34. Moving the furniture around to give the room a new look.

35. Finding great bargains when shopping.

36. Finishing the painting of the walls in my office.

37. Getting the shelves put up in my office.

38. Bright orange sweet potatoes (everyone calls yams)

39. Thanksgiving Holiday

40. Having family over for holiday dinners

41. Having family from out of town come to visit.

42. Having cousins spend the night and not fight!

43. Going bowling with family

44. Having a snow blower when it snow over 6 inches (18 inches on the ground now!)

45. Having heat in the house after I am doing snow blowing and shoveling.

46. Having good neighbors who clean my driveway so I don’t have to go out in the cold and do it.

47. Having a computer so I don’t have to write and get hand cramps.

48. Having a gym close by to go to and work off the calories from the holidays and just everyday eating.

49. Having a car that is reliable to get me where I need to go.

50. Hugs and kisses from the grandchildren

51. Opportunity to have grandkids spend the night one at a time now and again.

52. Sending homemade baby gifts to Courtney for the new baby.

53. Shopping for Christmas gifts and having the money to pay for them instead of charging them.

54. Finished shopping for Christmas gifts early.

55. Got all gifts mailed early – even Aaron’s b’day gift.

56. Great family get-together for Christmas Eve.

57. Got up early Christmas morning and played Santa at Alex’s house by filling his stocking while he slept upstairs.

58. Traditional Christmas movie outing with Alex.

59. Nap Christmas afternoon.

60. Made big French toast breakfast for Christmas morning for dad, Alex, and me.

61. Finished quilt for Courtney’s new baby and mailed it “before” the baby is born!

62. Napped for about an hour 3 days in a row.

63. A new baby in the family to love on.

64. The smell of new babies.

65. The feel of new babies.

66. People who care about me and let me know by helping me out when I need it.

67. A safe plane trip so I don’t get scared to fly to visit my family.

68. My son, Ryan, who is an amazing dad and was an amazing husband to his wife while she was alive.

69. My daughter, Courtney, who is the mom I wish I had had and wish I had been.

70. My daughter, Beth, who tries so hard to be happy and is so loving to her son.

71. My son, Alex, who is my right hand man when I need him without ever complaining.

72. Having enough money to pay bills and still not have to go to a job.

73. Being able to get up when you want to and not when you have to.

74. Being smart.

75. Learning to quilt.

76. Playing games on the computer.

77. Winning games on the computer.

78. Being relatively healthy for my age.

79. Joining the gym for another 3 months.

80. Going to the gym 3 days a week unless I am out of town or sick.

81. I love, love, love my Kindle!

82. Being able to get up in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and do what I want.

83. Movie matinees with hardly anyone in the theater.

84. I love going to plays even more than movies.

85. Awesome grandchildren, whom I wish I could see more often.

86. The first day of a new year.

87. The first day of a new month.

88. Mondays, now that I am retired. (Monday is really the beginning of a new week and not Sunday.)

89. The middle 2 pieces of a cake pan cake. I could give the rest away.

90. Chocolate cake and cold milk for breakfast.

91. New calendars.

92. Reading blogs of other people.

93. Reading books.

94. Reading magazines.

95. Playing games with grandkids.

96. Being tall instead of short.

97. I loved having dark hair until it turned white.

98. Having snow for some days in winter but not all the days.

99. January thaw in Utah.

100. People who use umbrellas in the snow.

Well, that was fun!